Hallelujah!

So today was sectionals for our cross country team. where we compete to run for State championships. And so, I was extremely nervous because I felt I had tons of pressure because our coach had done the math and in order for us to win 1st place, the #5 runnner(moi) needed to come in top 13th. So the course is a horrible course and I am completely bored by it at this point since we've had like 5 meets there. Anyway, so my brother and his friend came for moral support which i felt would push me to do better.

So it was 1, 2, 3, gun shot. and i was off. I was in the top 15 at the beginning and I ran way faster than I have ran before but in the middle of the race I felt like giving up. Keep in mind it's like 60 degree weather running with cold air going into your lungs. I started getting stitches in my rib cage( like cramps) which I always get when i don't breathe at a regular pace. So , i push myself to breath better and as i pass my coach he says "ok Mercy u're doing great, this is the spot we need, hold the spot" and so I am going crazy like I can't let this girl next to me pass me. I push and push and pass a girl from Davidson High (my brothers' school). but then some girls from some other school pass me. So i am thinking OMG! I lost the spot even though I gave it my all. 

I look up at the time recording as i pass the finish line and see 23:36. so i know that at least I beat my personal record this year of 24:36 by a whole minute. so i don't feel so bad. But then i walk by my team mate's mom and she screams at me "GOOD JOB MERCY, YOU WON IT FOR US!". And i'm like how? and she tells me that the girls who passed me were not from our division so it doesn't count against us. So i was uberexcited inside but on the outside i felt like collapsing.

So the girls were first for our division and we are going to the State Championships. I even bought a shirt so I can remember this day always.

"hypocrites"

So i realize i haven't made any new post recently but i have been really busy with managing school and cross country. Also, i haven't been motivated since no one makes any comments but w/e. so alot of interesting drama-filled things have happened to me since the last time i posted, as u can imagine since i am back in school now.

but really today i was inspired to post a blog b/c my best friend is too busy to listen to me vent about what happened today and since someone stole my phone at school, i can't call anyone else.so as i mentioned earlier, i am doing cross country which basically is we kill ourselves running 3 miles at weird locations in rain or shine.our first competition was last week and i was really happy about it since i placed 6th even though this is my first year running seriously in my entire life. However today there was so much more competition that i was only able to place #29 out of like about 100 or more girls. so i am still really happy about this. Anyway so you remember Martin, right? if you don;'t look at the previous post related to "still searching" and "send me that love". so since Martin runs cross country,his school was there. I didn't expect things to be awkward since the "breakup" was pretty much mutual and since he was the one who engaged the "breakup talk". I expected to at least for us to say "hi" and chit chat a little about how school is and w/e. anyway, i saw him a couple times prior to me running and basically i would look away anytime he got close to our tent. But i KNEW he saw me. it was obvious. again at the ceremonial awards after the race, he kept looking at me and i looked at him a couple times. finally, when he was getting his medal for being in top ten for boys, he looked straight at me for a span of like 7 seconds.I wanted to congratulate him but never got the chance and w/e.

so when i got home, i went on facebook and wrote him a message saying "just wanted to congratulate you since its the sportsmanlike thing to do and i never got to do so earlier". so after my long nap i go on to fb and see his reply which is like "thanks, i didn't see you there?how did you do?" And in my head i am like why is this dude pretending that he didn't see me when he purposely made an attempt to look at me when he was receiving a medal. one of the possibilities could be because i was hanging out with michael my friend pretty much the whole time and it seems like martin could be jealous of michael. #1 over the summer at the museum when martin and were both volunteering, he said that he didn't know my friend michael even though they have been in races competing a/g each other for two years.

so this led me to the conclusion that martin definitely has some issues. why would u lie to me that you don't know someone when you do. why would you pretend like you didn't see me when was the one who decided to end things between us. I  should be the one doing that if I wasn't over him. But i have been over him since the day he ended things with me so idk what to think about this whole thing.one of my theories is that i broke his heart. i know its weird to think that since he was the one who ended things but I think i had a lot too do with it. for example, since at the end of our first date i blurted "so..this is awkward" (refer to my earlier posts) which is probably not what he wanted to hear but it was awkard i hated the pressure of the whole first-date kiss moment. I didn't know if he was planning to kiss me or not. and i sort of accidentally implied  that i didn't want to take things further by saying "i'm really bad at goodbyes" which he might of thought meant forever. anyway, i honestly don't care what happened, there's no excuse for being a hypocrite like that. what difference does it make if you acknowledge the fact that you saw me or that you know my friend.

"still searching"

Image by Unlisted Sightings via Flickr

So.... I am still searching although saying this at the age of 17 sounds so unfitting. but correction i am not searching for "mr.right" at this point in my life i am searching for "mr.right now" which means i want nothing serious. when i go off to college the fling with that person will probably end and i am perfectly fine with that.
so to recap on how i got ffrom "Martin" to still searching, i'll remind u that on the last post i said that we never kissed on the first date which was weird and maybe i sabotaged the date by saying "this is awkward" at the moment where he would have kissed me. so the next day he did not call me which was weird because he always texts or calls me everyday which i wouldn't mind if he didn't do so just for 1 day but this was the day after our first date so i felt like something was off.

so i decided to call him the next day if he didn't call and ask him what was up and if we needed to have the "talk". the next day i wake up at 12:00 to a message from Martin saying "want to hang out at the park later" and the next one saying "to talk". And explaining that i am supposed to do  school shopping that day and  i can give him an answer after i ask my dad what time we are going school shopping. so my dad says 3:00 so i eat a snack and ride my bike to the park. i find him filling his bottle with water. i avoid eye contact and we sit on a concrete bench across from the wooden swing bench we sat on out 1st hang-out outside of the museum.
we greet and he asks me how my 4,000 word paper is coming along. I say it's coming. blah blah blah. and then to cut to the chase because i know at this point he's not worth the time since he's ending this, i say "so what was this all for?" and he says "you know because of yesterday, i was thinking that we are just friends, i don't know how you feel but i thought it would be best to tell you in person instead of being a jerk and telling you on the phone" so i say "well that's respectable, that's good". i avoid answering the question because if he feels we are just friends after all that has happened then he's not worth it plus i knew this day would come because we had very few things in common so we always ended up talking about the same things.

so to change the subject, i say "so you are going to the stand up thing right?" and he says "yes" and i say "that's good, i don't think i could have come anyway". so the conversation moves on for like 10 minutes and i want to go home because he is not worth my time anymore. so i say "well i have alot of stuff to do to day, so i have to go". then we hug awkwardly and leave. i go home call my bestie and vent telling her that i will be from now on a serial dater nothing serious maybe even just a make-out partner. no strings atttached coz i am too busy right now to even indulge myself. i have met someone new though. since i am doing cross crountry, i met this white guy with dreadlocks who seems interested in me probably due to the fact that my twists look like dreads. and it's so much with this guy because i am playinhg "hard to get"-for two reasons #1 his ex still seems to be into him and i don't want that drama #2 people say he smokes weed and as much bad boys are attractive i can't deal with drugs.

so now i will list my reasons for thinking he is interested in me and u can either agree or disagree. #1 he keeps looking at me and complimented my dreads. #2 he takes every chance he gets to talk to me like alluding to my "VARSITY MATH" t-shirt i was wearing to practice by stating that he is bad at math which sounded like he was asking for private tutoring. #3 his friends who usually don't usually talk to me are now talking to me- and from experience i know this is a sign. so he wasn't at practice on Friday so we will c how this goes this week if he shows up for practice.

"Send me that love" part-i lost count

yum!huh?

So I just came home from what? A date? with who you ask?Obama! No not really. But if you guessed Martin, then you are totally right! And am so happy it worked out cause I was so anxious like 5 minutes before he came to pick me up. There wasn't enough time to call any of my firends to give me a pep talk. So I told myself. come on Mercy, there's nothing to lose- If he doesn't like you or misbehaves then you got to watch a movie free of charge(since he was paying for the date-at least the most expensive part since I offered to pay for ice cream after the movie).


So to narrate the date to you. He shows up at my house at 6:00 or at least my driveway at 6:00 since technically I shouldn't be dating-youu know how Kenyan parents are. So I walk out of my house in my blue skirt and blue-checkered shirt, and my natural hair tied back in a ponytail. I am scared that he'll freak and ask what happened to your hair since the last time he saw me I had long brunette braids. But he doesn't. I find him standing outside his car waiting for me and I hug him while asking if he had trouble finding the place. He replies "No" and explains that his cross country team runs around my area, so..wasn't hard.
So we talk about Covert Affairs and Psych which are popular shows right now in the U.S.
We arrive at the movies at 6:30 and then he buys the tickets and we walk in. *mistake he made-not opening the door 4 me but it's probably bc I didn't give him a chance.
So we are walking to the theatre room we are supposed to go to . to see Inception and on our way some black dude pops out of nowhere and asks "hey man! where did you get those shoes from" Martin replies "Shoestation" "Ok thank you, man! I've been wantin shoes like that".
And we just burst out laughing cause that was just totally uncalled for. So we walk into the theatre. me in the lead and I lead him to the seats all the way at the top/back cause you want privacy right? (especially for make out sessions if there are any). So he asks "do you always sit at the back" and i say "yes"-although I really don't , I usually sit at the middle with my brothers. He says "oh ok. I usually sit at the middle".

So we watch the previews for upcoming movies while waiting for our movie to start which leads to awkward silence and laughs. The movie starts and we are like so into it. cause if you haven't heard INCEPTION is a mind blowing movie. We don't even talk except for the occasional "that's so cool" from him and the "yeah it is" from me. So we finish the movie. He walks infront and fast considering the fact that my thighs are so sore from running 5 miles yesterday. Anway, he opens the door this time and we leave to go eat ice cream across the street. So when we get to Marble Slab Creamery, he apparently is really full and isn't in the mood for ice cream-which i am like who is never in the mood for ice cream ( I was thinking maybe he just didn't want me to spend money on him cause he might look like a total douche bag in front of all the workers and customers). So I order my rocky road which is made of -walnuts, chocolate chips, chocolate ice cream and marshmallows.  While waiting for the workers to mix it up, I ask" so what did you eat that made you so full"
"a panini"
"a panini? that shouldn't make you so full"
"it was a really big panini-cause i made it at home"
"okay if you say so"
So i get my rocky road pay the $5 and we go sit all the way at the end since I hate people staring at me. So we talk about my so-called allergies to nuts which I'll explain later. And then my real allergy to red ants.Christmas in the Summer in Kenya. White christmas in Germany. locker situations at our school.And of course how cool the movie was and how I don't dream anymore for some strange reason.

"Stand up for your rights!"

Image by She Who Shall Not Be Named via Flickr

I don't know if "stand up for your rights" is a fitting title for this post. But whatever. I don't have much time but i really have to say what's on my mind right now. So..I just took out my braids this week and I honestly can't deal with the waste of time and money that I go through(the money part is my parents but w/e) to get my a little below shoulder length hair to get my hair braided. And the drama! oh the drama! I live in the U.S.A. where braiding costs $150 do the math-that's alot of mullah!. Thank God i usually only have to pay $80 coz I am African. But these people in the U.S. who do hair act like they are doing you a favor. They take forever, they are on the phone while they are doing it, you practically have to beg and do it according to their schedules. Which i can't deal with this CRAP anymore. And I had a big fallout with relaxers I think 5 yrs ago.where I started from zero with my hair. I was actually in Kenya when I did the big chop and started on this braids journey that I have been on ever since.

So I have decided to go NATURAL-completely no braids nothing just maybe twists outs or twists or braiding my own natural hair. And I am sticking with it. I have found great inspiration from natural hair bloggers on youtube and even a kenyan chic on blogspot. So i am going to do this! Some of you may ask. WHy is this such a big deal? why is it like seem like a milestone to me?

Well let me explain it to you. I live in America! Where most black women and society as well consider natural hair NAPPY/disgusting. I don't even know how my friends will take it. But I don't care .This is not about them. This is about me. I am tired of braids. I want to embrace the REAL me! the real hair GOD gave me! And I don't care what anyone says. 

"Reaction"/"Time will Tell"

So by the title "Time will Tell" you can guess the "Reaction" was good. right?And if you guessed that, then you're right. So to refresh your memory, on the last post I said that I was going to confront Martin with that short speech that I had jotted down. But after I posted that blog post, I called one of my besties which led to a change of plans. This bestie who is a gay guy by the way speaks German and lived in Germany for like two months. So i called him up and told him about my dilemma and read him my speech.

He hated the speech. His idea was to be cute by calling Martin aside and pulling the speech out. and then crumpling it out and saying "forget the speech, I like you, you like me, what are going to do about it?" which I liked but was too daring for me. So we decided on me telling Martin that I like him in German which my friend wasn't sure if it was "ich mach dich" or "ich mach deer". I decided on Ich mach dich. And so that was my plan which got me so anxious that I could barely sleep that night.

So I woke up around 11:00 which is an hour and 40 minutes before I start my bike ride to the museum. So I  ate some toast and at 11:30 I was so anxious to get there early that I decided to leave 10 minutes ahead of time. But the day did not start off well, while I was distracted watching a car coming towards me on an intersection , I forgot to jump a curb and fell miserably which led me scraping my knee(I heard someone laughing at me which only furthered my humiliation). But I am a fighter so I got back up wiped the blood off with my hands and kept riding. So i got there at like 12:45 and check on the sign in sheet for Martin but it seems like Martin hasn't come in yet. So i stumble to the bathroom and clean up. I am lucky to get a band-aid from the front desk.

So I go to my classroom and wait for Martin who shows up minutes later. So for the whole class we only have 2 people show up so it's a very slow and non-demanding day. So we get to talk alot and when all the students leave , we have 10 minutes left on the clock so we decide to go outside and "get some sun". So fortunately he asks for my number and shortly we go back inside to check out. So when we are at the basement where I leave mybike I asks him what he's doing after and he says that he is just going to check out some hedges that he needs to trim(he can't get a normal job  because of the whole visa-work permit thing) which I find pretty impressive. But obviously my plans were to have sort of a heart to heart.

So I aks him what time he has to be there and he says he just told his customers that he'd be there whenever. So I tell him that I was planning to go to the park again and he could come if he wanted. To which he says "Okay, I'll come but I don't want to run after you" to which I say "don't worry, I'll ride slow"(because of the whole bike, walking thing). So I ride slow while he walks beside me and we head towards the park. After walking past the ducks and swings. We come towards a swing bench like the one below. And he says "so where did you plan to go" and I say pointing to the swing "here is fine". So we sit down and I comment on how I wish the view was better because the pond/lake has weeds everywhere and is terribly dirty. And after we contine commenting on the view. There is awkward silence.

Image by edfinn via Flickr

So i decide to confess my earlier plans to confront him. So i say
" you know you ruined my plans for today"
"how is that?"
"because i planned to confront what is happening between us. I was wondering why you hadn't asked my number and my friend told me maybe you expected you to ask for your number. But I wasn't going to ask for your number. I was just going to ask you what your explanation was for what was happening and what your intentions were."


I don't remember what happened after this. I remember he avoided telling me his explanation and Intentions and we continued talking. We talked about everything from our plans for our careers, life,our schools, and our countries.
So I needed to be home before dark #1 because it's scary to ride a bike at night and #2 because we were leaving for Texas for a wedding that night. So at I believe 6:00 we walked towards the Museum parking lot but since the sidewalk that leads to the road that I ride on was right by the bridge leading to the park from the museum, I told himthat this was my spot(which seemed to catch him offguard-maybe i threw him off course of what he planned to do at the end). So there was this awkward moment where I am on my bike and he's standing and ww are looking at each other. So to break the ice, I say "so..I am not really good at hugs but.." So we  hug and his phone starts ringing,and so we stop and say our goodbyes.

So I ride my bike ever so carefully and when I get home, there is chaos trying to pack and everything. Butt continuing with the story of Martin. On Saturday, the day of the wedding he texted me and I texted him until the wedding was about to start. Later on Sunday when we were on our way back to Alabama we texted until my phone battery died. When I got home at like 10:00. I texted him "I don't remember what we were talking about. But my battery died. Anyway I'm back home now so. I hope you're not asleep. If u r then-sweet dreams". He wasn't asleep, so we kept texting until there was lights out at his running camp which he is at until Thursday of this week.

"Real Situation"

So, I've been distracted from completing my school work this past week. Wonder why? Of course it's Martin. So to end this misery and torture wondering when is he going to ask me out, does he really like me?etc. I have decided to talk to him tomorrow and I wrote down what I want to say. I know "real situations" don't usually happen as planned but this is sort of how I plan for it to happen. Hey M. Can I talk to you. I hate to be the romance killer but I kind of have to confront something because that's just who I am. When I spend/waste my time thinking about a guy romantically for more than 5 hrs not one day of course. And the signs of flirting and all that are there. And the guy still hasn't made a move yet, I like to come to a fight or flight point. And basically what I am saying is, we have been flirting for more than a week now and Nothing has happened yet. You haven't asked for my number or out on a date or anything and so this is critical point where you say if you want to go into that direction or stop what's happening here. It's my last day to work here and If I don't do cross country I'll probably never see you again. So if you can at least explain to me what's going on here and tell me what your intentions are. Then my whole dilemma on whether to continue thinking about you or move on would be solved. So that is what I plan to tell him tomorrow and honestly what happens after I tell him is up to him. My hope is that obviously we continue to hang out and talking maybe even go into couple mode. But honestly I won't totally be disappointed if that doesn't happen because well it would actually be very difficult and demanding to have a boy friend and do my school at the same time. I would probably get better results without him distracting me but others have done it and so can I. Plus, I have made a pact to myself that school comes first if it comes down to it, then I will drop him. Honestly, what I am wondering is how will I sleep tonight thinking about this? But I am glad that soon this restlessness will be all over. So of course next post is about the decision he made and how I took it.