Bad relationship KARMA

It's been quite some time since I've written a post on my blog. For that I apologize as 2013 prove to be a busy year while 2014 prove to be a fleeting year (seriously, we've almost reached the 9th month of the year). Besides the fact that time always me (or maybe all of us outside of Hollywood), I would like to thank God for still being  healthy of mind, body, and perhaps soul. I say perhaps because I perceive myself as a self-tortured soul but it's possible that I am being too hard on myself (only God knows).

Let me spare you the good vs. evil evaluation of myself and let's move on to the heart of the matter. Today it dawned on me that I might have self-proclaimed "bad relationship karma". What is bad relationship karma you ask? Well readers, bad relationship karma is a concept that I have conceived to describe misdeeds in relationships that lead to future run-ins with the law of love. In essence, I've never been fair in any romantic relationship that I've had. Why you ask? Probably fear but I'm too frugal to spend money on a psychiatrist to figure that out. So maybe you can all play the role of "Doc" and let me know "what's up" with me (I hope you all caught that pun..if not please google Bugs Bunny).

Now back to me Doc. So how am I not fair? For one, I always have one foot in and one foot out. I'm ready to leave like a thief in the night at any moment. Actually, I'd prefer that over being straight forward with someone and this "thug behavior" might be one of the sources of my "bad relationship karma". Furthermore, I'd rather hurt the other person before they hurt me (even if I have no real proof that they intend on hurting me). Above all, I am so possessive that I'd rather that my past lovers be unhappy in solitude than jolly in new love. You don't have to tell me I'm a monster. I know I am when it comes to love. It's actually ironic that I was named Mercy when I show none of it in the warfare of love.

Recently, I have tried to establish a better track record in love or better yet, amend my old record. I've apologized for past transgressions, tried to play matchmaker for past victims of my "tough" love, and even disciplined myself to not capture "easy prey" (the innocent, the kind, and the naive). But sometimes my old ways still elude me as they are second-nature to me. I think it might actually be best for me to wear a BEWARE sign on my forehead or more suitably, my heart.

Let me stop rambling...I am sure you are all wondering where the karma comes in this story. Well first of all, let me explain that karma does not have to be a series of unfortunate events; I believe that it can be one event that haunts you for a considerable period of time perhaps until you repent. In my case, I have been haunted by someone I hurt for the past 2 years. For the first 6 months, an hour never passed without thinking of him and my soul crying for him. It was torturing because in my mind and my heart I knew that he wasn't the one for me (he was the typical Bobby Brown "bad boy heartthrob" to the self-fulfilling Whitney Houston story that I never want for myself). But for some reason my bad soul connected with his (if you've learned anything from this story, that was probably karma). The soul crushing heart ache paralyzed me and anytime I tried to get back out to the market for new love, I came back home empty handed and disappointed. I gave up after a while and proclaimed it as well-deserved punishment for my misdeeds. Perhaps, that theory was correct as it is 2 YEARS later that I am having signs of recovery in my relationship karma.

Befittingly, I met the "Captain America" of my bad relationship karma saga at an Independence party held on July 5th. I won't say that our heart and soul connected instantaneously but our minds definitely did. For the first time in my love saga, I had met someone who had the same theory on love as I (let's enjoy each other now and figure the rest out later). A relationship was on neither of our minds especially considering that I was leaving the city in less than 2 months. So we enjoyed each other (often, I may add) and even ended up confiding in each other about our life struggles. We were friends and lovers (but not in love with each other). That slowly changed without even our notice: we started to value each other (a great mistake in simple romance). Soon "dessert" was actually preceded by home cooked meals for each other and tender-loving massages. But soon enough, our time would run out.

We were both brave soldiers about the ordeal and assured each other that we would move on to other romances . But part of us wished we didn't have to move on and perhaps part of us had never moved on from our past romances. I could see in his eyes that he was still haunted by a previous romance but still open to love (and I'm sure he could see the same in mine). Because of these memories and desires in our eyes, I had inquired (twice before) about what we were to each other and each time we reassured each other that we were simply enjoying each other's company considering our circumstances. However, the week of my departure (perhaps in a moment of weakness), he implicitly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I implicitly replied No.

On the fateful day of my departure, our hearts were tense but none of us caved. We shared heartfelt wishes for each other's futures over a long hug but made sure to protect our hearts (no promises were made).  I guess the moral of the story is that we did unto each other as we both wanted to be done on ourselves. We set each other free. But now why is my heart crying for it to be caged in his arms? Perhaps my bad relationship karma still continues to haunt me. "So what's up [with me] Doc"?

Ectsasy vs. True Love/ Crazy Stupid Love

The beauty of lifetime love: watch UP!

 I am not sure how many blog writers have ever used the tittle "crazy stupid love" but excuse me for my lack of originality because it's the only phrase that effectively describes the light bulb that just went off in my head. Maybe you read my last blog post but most likely you didn't. So to give you a short summary, a la (similar to) every romantic comedy/tragedy out there, I met a guy who was everything I ever wanted (funny, kind, charming, tall, warm) wrapped up in a layer everything I never wanted (smoker, alcoholic, pothead, a LEO(prideful)). And to give a brief course of events: when I met him, I ran away from the guy I was currently with and into his arms. But then when his second layer revealed itself, I ran even faster...before he could finish uttering the word "Baabbbbyyy". Everything was alright with that until I stopped running and wondered why I ran. Several drinks and lonely nights later,  I discovered that fear was the reason. Fear that I was getting too attached to someone I knew that I could and did not want a future with. And fear that perhaps I would delude myself into thinking that he was the love of my life because of the  supercaligragistilic feelings of pleasure that I'd never gotten from being with anyone else but him. 

  So for a love that was so short lived, I suffered months of great heartache thinking that I had let go of my only chance at true love (false) and had hurt him more than any other guy I've ever ran out on (true). But I think everything good or bad comes to an end and I realized that I had grieved long enough about the tragedy that had occurred. During the course of my grieving, I had reached out to my so called true love and apologized but it was a little too late since I had waited to do so until I was thousands of miles away, back in my home country. There was not going to be a lovers reunion or a "catch up" coffee date and I got tired of obsessing over his facebook wondering whether he had moved on (while stalking the flocks of women throwing themselves at him). And through this I realized, I had moved on and my guilt was over. Shit happens. Love and life is complicated. We don't always get it right but our mistakes are opportunities to learn from. 

What I've learned from this is that love is something we can actually control. You determine who you fall in love with and why. Never overlook the harsh negative qualities of the other person in the name of love because that will only lead you to heartbreak. Never jump into anything without knowing what you want from it (love, sex, money). And above all always be honest with yourself and your potential or current mate. Because sure you both might have shared feelings of ecstasy when you first met, kissed, and etc but eventually those feelings are not going to be enough anymore. You need trust, intimacy, support, and perseverance to make love work. And you not only have to find someone who exemplifies these qualities but also be someone who lives according to these standards. Passion should be the cherry on top not the foundation of a relationship unless you want to end up on Jerry Springer or therapy for the rest of your life. And I am not trying to sell you the idea of boring passionless love because I truly believe that if you have a good foundation, passion will blossom right out of it and that's the beauty of love. Watching that flame of passion grow through the years will be fulfilling and who knows it might grow so strong that it will eventually set the world on fire (how romantic: muahahaha). 

It's like that old saying that parents tell you about not playing with fire unless you want to get burned. Instead, of playing with fire...build it! Build it from a strong foundation of resilient firewood (loyalty, trust, intimacy) and it will last a lifetime.

P.S. I am only 20 and single...so heed my love advice with caution but like they say even a fool is right from time to time. 

Please let me know if this advice rings true from your experience with love.

-Much love,

Mercy!

Jamming

So, over the past month or since I last blogged. Sorry, i've been busy with International Baccalaureate Projects and of course college essays! wooo! I love college and I haven't even finished high school. Anyway, as you can tell from the title of the blog spot, due to demanding school work, I have been listening to alot of music. Raggae-TOK, Gyptian, of course Bob. RnB- Chrisette Mischele, James Blunt, Bruno Mars, No doubt. etc. So in essence, i've been jamming.
From most of these songs, I've realized how relationships suck! and I love my independence. This has also been as a result of the extensive time I've been spending with my best friend. We are super close now like Cognac and Hennesy- those are in fact our names for each other. We even have an amazing secret handshake and we pretty do much everything together. We take the horrible chemistry together- where we have enjoyed ice cream made out of liquid nitrogen. Bitched and moaned about guys together. Gone on "girl" dates together- actually yesterday we went to see improv comedy.
To make the story more interesting, I was the one who suggested going to see improv comedy because from my earlier posts I said on our second date Martin and I were supposed to go to see the improv comedy show of that month but I declined due to school work and we split ways after that. So i suggested we go because #1 i always wanted to see what I was missing out on and #2 to get closure from the Martin thing. So we went to the show yesterday after almost killing ourselves driving trying to find the place due to horrible directions from someone. And although we had an awesome time, Martin was not there. So, I was totally disappointed because the whole week when I was anticipating for Friday to come I kept thinking, I am so over this guy  that even if he asked me to try to be together again. I would decline.
Why? #1 I always think in the back of my head that he primarily dated me because I am black and these Germans when they come to the U.S. they like to brag to Germans back home that they've been with a Black girl. #2 because he was very shy and kind of boring- and I am not attracted to that and I wasn't initially attracted to him #3 I don't think I could date a white guy cause their taste in Music is horrible unless they smoke weed which I can't deal with either. #4, he was not as tall as I would go for. #5 I don't like how demanding relationships are.
So i plan to be single until I meet someone who makes me laugh endlessly, who I can enjoy music with, whose intelligence compares to mine. and who embraces other cultures. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. Until then in the words of Natasha Bedingfield "I am single!! and that's how I want to be!"
oops! i forgot to review the improv Comedy. it was alright. nothing I would pay for unless I was extremely bored. the guys are really talented but most of their jokes fly past my head cause they are based of pop culture from like the 90s when they were teenagers. plus, it's based on the comedy of "Who's line is it anyway?" which is a show I never enjoyed watching. Personally, i prefer practiced reheaarsed standup comedy. If you know some good places in Kenya for that. hit me up.

"hypocrites"

So i realize i haven't made any new post recently but i have been really busy with managing school and cross country. Also, i haven't been motivated since no one makes any comments but w/e. so alot of interesting drama-filled things have happened to me since the last time i posted, as u can imagine since i am back in school now.

but really today i was inspired to post a blog b/c my best friend is too busy to listen to me vent about what happened today and since someone stole my phone at school, i can't call anyone else.so as i mentioned earlier, i am doing cross country which basically is we kill ourselves running 3 miles at weird locations in rain or shine.our first competition was last week and i was really happy about it since i placed 6th even though this is my first year running seriously in my entire life. However today there was so much more competition that i was only able to place #29 out of like about 100 or more girls. so i am still really happy about this. Anyway so you remember Martin, right? if you don;'t look at the previous post related to "still searching" and "send me that love". so since Martin runs cross country,his school was there. I didn't expect things to be awkward since the "breakup" was pretty much mutual and since he was the one who engaged the "breakup talk". I expected to at least for us to say "hi" and chit chat a little about how school is and w/e. anyway, i saw him a couple times prior to me running and basically i would look away anytime he got close to our tent. But i KNEW he saw me. it was obvious. again at the ceremonial awards after the race, he kept looking at me and i looked at him a couple times. finally, when he was getting his medal for being in top ten for boys, he looked straight at me for a span of like 7 seconds.I wanted to congratulate him but never got the chance and w/e.

so when i got home, i went on facebook and wrote him a message saying "just wanted to congratulate you since its the sportsmanlike thing to do and i never got to do so earlier". so after my long nap i go on to fb and see his reply which is like "thanks, i didn't see you there?how did you do?" And in my head i am like why is this dude pretending that he didn't see me when he purposely made an attempt to look at me when he was receiving a medal. one of the possibilities could be because i was hanging out with michael my friend pretty much the whole time and it seems like martin could be jealous of michael. #1 over the summer at the museum when martin and were both volunteering, he said that he didn't know my friend michael even though they have been in races competing a/g each other for two years.

so this led me to the conclusion that martin definitely has some issues. why would u lie to me that you don't know someone when you do. why would you pretend like you didn't see me when was the one who decided to end things between us. I  should be the one doing that if I wasn't over him. But i have been over him since the day he ended things with me so idk what to think about this whole thing.one of my theories is that i broke his heart. i know its weird to think that since he was the one who ended things but I think i had a lot too do with it. for example, since at the end of our first date i blurted "so..this is awkward" (refer to my earlier posts) which is probably not what he wanted to hear but it was awkard i hated the pressure of the whole first-date kiss moment. I didn't know if he was planning to kiss me or not. and i sort of accidentally implied  that i didn't want to take things further by saying "i'm really bad at goodbyes" which he might of thought meant forever. anyway, i honestly don't care what happened, there's no excuse for being a hypocrite like that. what difference does it make if you acknowledge the fact that you saw me or that you know my friend.