It's been quite some time since I've written a post on my blog. For that I apologize as 2013 prove to be a busy year while 2014 prove to be a fleeting year (seriously, we've almost reached the 9th month of the year). Besides the fact that time always me (or maybe all of us outside of Hollywood), I would like to thank God for still being healthy of mind, body, and perhaps soul. I say perhaps because I perceive myself as a self-tortured soul but it's possible that I am being too hard on myself (only God knows).
Let me spare you the good vs. evil evaluation of myself and let's move on to the heart of the matter. Today it dawned on me that I might have self-proclaimed "bad relationship karma". What is bad relationship karma you ask? Well readers, bad relationship karma is a concept that I have conceived to describe misdeeds in relationships that lead to future run-ins with the law of love. In essence, I've never been fair in any romantic relationship that I've had. Why you ask? Probably fear but I'm too frugal to spend money on a psychiatrist to figure that out. So maybe you can all play the role of "Doc" and let me know "what's up" with me (I hope you all caught that pun..if not please google Bugs Bunny).
Now back to me Doc. So how am I not fair? For one, I always have one foot in and one foot out. I'm ready to leave like a thief in the night at any moment. Actually, I'd prefer that over being straight forward with someone and this "thug behavior" might be one of the sources of my "bad relationship karma". Furthermore, I'd rather hurt the other person before they hurt me (even if I have no real proof that they intend on hurting me). Above all, I am so possessive that I'd rather that my past lovers be unhappy in solitude than jolly in new love. You don't have to tell me I'm a monster. I know I am when it comes to love. It's actually ironic that I was named Mercy when I show none of it in the warfare of love.
Recently, I have tried to establish a better track record in love or better yet, amend my old record. I've apologized for past transgressions, tried to play matchmaker for past victims of my "tough" love, and even disciplined myself to not capture "easy prey" (the innocent, the kind, and the naive). But sometimes my old ways still elude me as they are second-nature to me. I think it might actually be best for me to wear a BEWARE sign on my forehead or more suitably, my heart.
Let me stop rambling...I am sure you are all wondering where the karma comes in this story. Well first of all, let me explain that karma does not have to be a series of unfortunate events; I believe that it can be one event that haunts you for a considerable period of time perhaps until you repent. In my case, I have been haunted by someone I hurt for the past 2 years. For the first 6 months, an hour never passed without thinking of him and my soul crying for him. It was torturing because in my mind and my heart I knew that he wasn't the one for me (he was the typical Bobby Brown "bad boy heartthrob" to the self-fulfilling Whitney Houston story that I never want for myself). But for some reason my bad soul connected with his (if you've learned anything from this story, that was probably karma). The soul crushing heart ache paralyzed me and anytime I tried to get back out to the market for new love, I came back home empty handed and disappointed. I gave up after a while and proclaimed it as well-deserved punishment for my misdeeds. Perhaps, that theory was correct as it is 2 YEARS later that I am having signs of recovery in my relationship karma.
Befittingly, I met the "Captain America" of my bad relationship karma saga at an Independence party held on July 5th. I won't say that our heart and soul connected instantaneously but our minds definitely did. For the first time in my love saga, I had met someone who had the same theory on love as I (let's enjoy each other now and figure the rest out later). A relationship was on neither of our minds especially considering that I was leaving the city in less than 2 months. So we enjoyed each other (often, I may add) and even ended up confiding in each other about our life struggles. We were friends and lovers (but not in love with each other). That slowly changed without even our notice: we started to value each other (a great mistake in simple romance). Soon "dessert" was actually preceded by home cooked meals for each other and tender-loving massages. But soon enough, our time would run out.
We were both brave soldiers about the ordeal and assured each other that we would move on to other romances . But part of us wished we didn't have to move on and perhaps part of us had never moved on from our past romances. I could see in his eyes that he was still haunted by a previous romance but still open to love (and I'm sure he could see the same in mine). Because of these memories and desires in our eyes, I had inquired (twice before) about what we were to each other and each time we reassured each other that we were simply enjoying each other's company considering our circumstances. However, the week of my departure (perhaps in a moment of weakness), he implicitly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I implicitly replied No.
On the fateful day of my departure, our hearts were tense but none of us caved. We shared heartfelt wishes for each other's futures over a long hug but made sure to protect our hearts (no promises were made). I guess the moral of the story is that we did unto each other as we both wanted to be done on ourselves. We set each other free. But now why is my heart crying for it to be caged in his arms? Perhaps my bad relationship karma still continues to haunt me. "So what's up [with me] Doc"?