"Stand up for your rights!"

Image by She Who Shall Not Be Named via Flickr

I don't know if "stand up for your rights" is a fitting title for this post. But whatever. I don't have much time but i really have to say what's on my mind right now. So..I just took out my braids this week and I honestly can't deal with the waste of time and money that I go through(the money part is my parents but w/e) to get my a little below shoulder length hair to get my hair braided. And the drama! oh the drama! I live in the U.S.A. where braiding costs $150 do the math-that's alot of mullah!. Thank God i usually only have to pay $80 coz I am African. But these people in the U.S. who do hair act like they are doing you a favor. They take forever, they are on the phone while they are doing it, you practically have to beg and do it according to their schedules. Which i can't deal with this CRAP anymore. And I had a big fallout with relaxers I think 5 yrs ago.where I started from zero with my hair. I was actually in Kenya when I did the big chop and started on this braids journey that I have been on ever since.

So I have decided to go NATURAL-completely no braids nothing just maybe twists outs or twists or braiding my own natural hair. And I am sticking with it. I have found great inspiration from natural hair bloggers on youtube and even a kenyan chic on blogspot. So i am going to do this! Some of you may ask. WHy is this such a big deal? why is it like seem like a milestone to me?

Well let me explain it to you. I live in America! Where most black women and society as well consider natural hair NAPPY/disgusting. I don't even know how my friends will take it. But I don't care .This is not about them. This is about me. I am tired of braids. I want to embrace the REAL me! the real hair GOD gave me! And I don't care what anyone says. 

"Reaction"/"Time will Tell"

So by the title "Time will Tell" you can guess the "Reaction" was good. right?And if you guessed that, then you're right. So to refresh your memory, on the last post I said that I was going to confront Martin with that short speech that I had jotted down. But after I posted that blog post, I called one of my besties which led to a change of plans. This bestie who is a gay guy by the way speaks German and lived in Germany for like two months. So i called him up and told him about my dilemma and read him my speech.

He hated the speech. His idea was to be cute by calling Martin aside and pulling the speech out. and then crumpling it out and saying "forget the speech, I like you, you like me, what are going to do about it?" which I liked but was too daring for me. So we decided on me telling Martin that I like him in German which my friend wasn't sure if it was "ich mach dich" or "ich mach deer". I decided on Ich mach dich. And so that was my plan which got me so anxious that I could barely sleep that night.

So I woke up around 11:00 which is an hour and 40 minutes before I start my bike ride to the museum. So I  ate some toast and at 11:30 I was so anxious to get there early that I decided to leave 10 minutes ahead of time. But the day did not start off well, while I was distracted watching a car coming towards me on an intersection , I forgot to jump a curb and fell miserably which led me scraping my knee(I heard someone laughing at me which only furthered my humiliation). But I am a fighter so I got back up wiped the blood off with my hands and kept riding. So i got there at like 12:45 and check on the sign in sheet for Martin but it seems like Martin hasn't come in yet. So i stumble to the bathroom and clean up. I am lucky to get a band-aid from the front desk.

So I go to my classroom and wait for Martin who shows up minutes later. So for the whole class we only have 2 people show up so it's a very slow and non-demanding day. So we get to talk alot and when all the students leave , we have 10 minutes left on the clock so we decide to go outside and "get some sun". So fortunately he asks for my number and shortly we go back inside to check out. So when we are at the basement where I leave mybike I asks him what he's doing after and he says that he is just going to check out some hedges that he needs to trim(he can't get a normal job  because of the whole visa-work permit thing) which I find pretty impressive. But obviously my plans were to have sort of a heart to heart.

So I aks him what time he has to be there and he says he just told his customers that he'd be there whenever. So I tell him that I was planning to go to the park again and he could come if he wanted. To which he says "Okay, I'll come but I don't want to run after you" to which I say "don't worry, I'll ride slow"(because of the whole bike, walking thing). So I ride slow while he walks beside me and we head towards the park. After walking past the ducks and swings. We come towards a swing bench like the one below. And he says "so where did you plan to go" and I say pointing to the swing "here is fine". So we sit down and I comment on how I wish the view was better because the pond/lake has weeds everywhere and is terribly dirty. And after we contine commenting on the view. There is awkward silence.

Image by edfinn via Flickr

So i decide to confess my earlier plans to confront him. So i say
" you know you ruined my plans for today"
"how is that?"
"because i planned to confront what is happening between us. I was wondering why you hadn't asked my number and my friend told me maybe you expected you to ask for your number. But I wasn't going to ask for your number. I was just going to ask you what your explanation was for what was happening and what your intentions were."


I don't remember what happened after this. I remember he avoided telling me his explanation and Intentions and we continued talking. We talked about everything from our plans for our careers, life,our schools, and our countries.
So I needed to be home before dark #1 because it's scary to ride a bike at night and #2 because we were leaving for Texas for a wedding that night. So at I believe 6:00 we walked towards the Museum parking lot but since the sidewalk that leads to the road that I ride on was right by the bridge leading to the park from the museum, I told himthat this was my spot(which seemed to catch him offguard-maybe i threw him off course of what he planned to do at the end). So there was this awkward moment where I am on my bike and he's standing and ww are looking at each other. So to break the ice, I say "so..I am not really good at hugs but.." So we  hug and his phone starts ringing,and so we stop and say our goodbyes.

So I ride my bike ever so carefully and when I get home, there is chaos trying to pack and everything. Butt continuing with the story of Martin. On Saturday, the day of the wedding he texted me and I texted him until the wedding was about to start. Later on Sunday when we were on our way back to Alabama we texted until my phone battery died. When I got home at like 10:00. I texted him "I don't remember what we were talking about. But my battery died. Anyway I'm back home now so. I hope you're not asleep. If u r then-sweet dreams". He wasn't asleep, so we kept texting until there was lights out at his running camp which he is at until Thursday of this week.

"Real Situation"

So, I've been distracted from completing my school work this past week. Wonder why? Of course it's Martin. So to end this misery and torture wondering when is he going to ask me out, does he really like me?etc. I have decided to talk to him tomorrow and I wrote down what I want to say. I know "real situations" don't usually happen as planned but this is sort of how I plan for it to happen. Hey M. Can I talk to you. I hate to be the romance killer but I kind of have to confront something because that's just who I am. When I spend/waste my time thinking about a guy romantically for more than 5 hrs not one day of course. And the signs of flirting and all that are there. And the guy still hasn't made a move yet, I like to come to a fight or flight point. And basically what I am saying is, we have been flirting for more than a week now and Nothing has happened yet. You haven't asked for my number or out on a date or anything and so this is critical point where you say if you want to go into that direction or stop what's happening here. It's my last day to work here and If I don't do cross country I'll probably never see you again. So if you can at least explain to me what's going on here and tell me what your intentions are. Then my whole dilemma on whether to continue thinking about you or move on would be solved. So that is what I plan to tell him tomorrow and honestly what happens after I tell him is up to him. My hope is that obviously we continue to hang out and talking maybe even go into couple mode. But honestly I won't totally be disappointed if that doesn't happen because well it would actually be very difficult and demanding to have a boy friend and do my school at the same time. I would probably get better results without him distracting me but others have done it and so can I. Plus, I have made a pact to myself that school comes first if it comes down to it, then I will drop him. Honestly, what I am wondering is how will I sleep tonight thinking about this? But I am glad that soon this restlessness will be all over. So of course next post is about the decision he made and how I took it.

"Stiff necked fools".

So this post is sort of dedicated to the teacher I have been helping along with Martin at the Art Museum. By the way, this is not a good dedication. Not that I don't like the teacher in fact I do, let's call him Mr.Brown cause he is brown. Anyway it was something that he said that caught my attention( and not in a good way). Ok, so i am just setting up the paint station, Martin- who as i earlier mentioned is white- is out of the room at the moment and he says to me "Mercy, how is it dealing with black kids when you are so smart". So at that moment i'm like wait a second is that what i just heard from this black person. So i know he was referring to African Americans in general when he mentioned black people since we are in America. So my response was that ever since I had been living here, I have gone to school for smart people. So irregardless of race, we were all there to learn. Sure there was the bullies but mainly those bullies bullied out of jealousy of my intelligence like when I would teach the class a shortcut I had discovered for a Math question. So we went on talking where he stated "all these black children here are just lazy, don't want to use their brains". What i wanted to say was "that's a generalization and i think it's unfair to make that statement considering there are black children who work hard in school". But what i said was "true. but I usually don't surround myself with those people. I usually hang out with foreigners or children of foreigners- mainly asians". But recently, I have started hanging out with the black kids of my IB college program and these are people who are fully committed to success like me.<>. So anyway back to Mr.Brown. So we end up talking about the diversity in our schools. Martin goes to a private school-primarily white- and says that he wishes that even though he is friends with a Nigerian and Korean, he wishes there was more diversity. (which obviously I was totally impressed by) Anyway when i went home I started thinking about this more especially how one of the black ladies in charge of the black kids at the museum had asked me where I was from because I talk different-like a white person. And black people always try to mock me for not talking like them-ghetto- despite the fact that I am black. SO this led me to the revelation that race doesn't define anything except your race. It doesn't define how you walk, dress, eat, talk, laugh, drive,..anything. But why do people make it that way. Obviously it's the environment. look at Eminem for example he's a white person but raps and talks like a black ghetto person while in society he's not supposed to rap or talk like that. But where(environment) Eminem came from people rapped and talked like that and now so does he. So i am sick and tired of these people who look at you and put you in a box. "OH, you're black- go into the black box where you behave this way". But many people don't fit into those boxes. Like me for example. Like why would someone expect me to speak like an AFrican AMerican when I AM AFRICAN! It annoys me. I spoke British English before I got here, not ghetto English. And when i started to live here, I didn't move into the ghetto and I didn't go to a ghetto school and I didn't associate with ghetto people. So why in the hell do people expect me to speak ghetto. Because of the color of my skin. Honestly, those stiff necked fools can go to hell. So if you're planning to come to America at some point you should be ready for this discrimination mainly by the blacks themselves. p.s.I know there have been problems with commenting. It should be at the top of this post where it says the amount of comments. 

Send me that Love part 3.

So I think this week I was supposed to talk about interracial relationships and what has happened with Martin thus far. Well, the funny thing is that my African American friend and I just happened to be talking about this last week and so it should be fresh on my mind. So the question was: why are there not more interracial relationships; why are people so scared? Well I think people are usually not against interracial dating themselves but are usually afraid to engage in it because of what other people will think-whether it be friends, family, or suspicious onlookers in the street. Personally, I feel open towards interracial dating-obviously; however, my plan is to try to find someone within the kenyan community first before I venture outside. Which in my case there aren't any Kenyan boys my age where I live and so I venture out of my race bubble. However, what is weird is that although I knew this would happen and will happen- most Kenyan women in foreign countries marry white men-I still would rather find an African guy-preferably Kenyan. I mean, when I daydream about my future I never see a white husband but then again do i see a husband in the picture(i'll try to remember the next time i daydream). I think interracial relationships are not so abundant because of history. Black women don't want to marry white men because years ago they were raped and enslaved by them- so would be marrying a white man enslaving themselves? is what they wonder. However, as I said to Martin when we were talking on facebook chat, "History is History" and considering the fact that he's German which is equated with Natzi-take over the world schemes and kill non-whites, i am not surprised he agrees with me. So Martin and I are still in the flirting stage which I which I could get out of because I hate wasting my time when it is avoidable. So, Friday we were both in the same classroom again and the deep stares into each others eyes just went on and on. However, throughout the whole thing I was afraid that one of us would get moved to another class and then of course our chance would be blown. Which did almost happen the 1st time it was because the administrator wanted another volunteer in the 5-7 room and she asked me first and i begged for her not to send me in that room because the kids are so young and crazy and last time i did not have a good time due to being on restroom duty. So she asked the other volunteer as Martin remained quiet and he volunteered to go. So now it was even better cause it was just me and him. But not so fast, the administrator kept pulliing him out of the class for him to do stuff for her. And then i volunteered to be pulled out to do stuff for her (to make him miss me like i missed him when he was gone) which meant i missed the whole museum tour to view all the art with the kids. And then when i did finish my work and catch up with them, some girl busted her toe and I had to take her to clean it up. And then we were back in the classroom and ready to leave. So as usual we walk to the sign out area and head downstairs. And when we are parting I say "see you monday, that is if i am there" to which he says " you better be there" and I say "I'll try". So obviously today is Monday and I am going to be there. My only fear is that we are not assigned to the same room which means today will be wasted as a me and him day. So next time I will post what happened. P.S.: this song is off the chain by CLD, Raz, Film C, Chikuzee & OHZY – So Nice (click link). I think i like it b/c it mentions OREO-which is sometimes what they call interracial couples in the U.S. b/c they're black on outside and white on inside. and of course beacause it's a awesome song.

"send me that love" part 2

So i pledged to explain the title on part 1. Well continuing with precedent, it is a Bob Marley song and i thought it best fitted the blog because of my mentality when it comes to love. I think due to past experiences(read "in the beginning") I try to guard my heart from heartbreak. For example, I prefer to enter relationships with people who I know I will enjoy their company, who will treat me right but where it is assured that the relationship will have to end. Like for example, earlier this summer, this guy-Paul- and I were really hitting it off-he enjoyed talking- him more than I. And although I knew this guy wasn't the one, I liked the idea of a relationship with him b/c its future was predicted due to the fact that he would be leaving for college in September. Either way, things didn't work out but history has repeated itself with Martin. What appeals to me about this guy is that he's good boyfriend material and he would be indispensable in senior year with all these senior dances that we have to go to w/t a date. But the main thing is that I know it will end and probably how it will end since he plans to go to Germany for college and me to Boston. So personally, it seems to me (i am the only one finding it funny how i try to be my own psychiatrist) that I like relationships that have a guarantee and that are predictable b/c there is less chance for heartbreak. I don't like to be in a relationship with a guy i truly and fully like where I am imagine him as the one because I would want the relationship to last and if it didn't, I would be heartbroken yet again. I am thinking I will stop this cycle in college because well heartbreak is a part of college and life and sooner or later we must experience it. Also, it would be easier to rebound from a breakup un college than in high school b/c there are eligible guys everywhere in college as opposed to the 15 guys i see everyday for my IB school program out of the 2500 ppl that go to my school. and #2 i don't want the distractions that are accompanied by heartbreak during this year when I have to get my test scores right so that i can get into the colleges i want to go to. However, when I imagine my life some 10 years from now I imagine having a husband that loves me as much as i love him. And so I hope that God "sends me that love" someday maybe not now, if he hasn't already(Martin & others). so next post, i will talk about what happened between me and martin.

"Send me that love" part 1

So this week has been a crazy week due to my mad volunteering that is required for me to get a diploma. I have been volunteering at an art museum and like science exhibit place working with the children in their summer camps. So I never met any good loooking guys at either of them and i assumed it was because of the fact that all hot guys are lazy, vain, and wouldn't think of helping others. But I was wrong. There's this new guy-lets call him Martin- and well he might not be like a male runway model but he's nice looking. Just so you know, he's from Germany which means caucausian, white etc.- I guess i'll touch on this subject later. Well anyway, the first day he was there he was just looking at some art and I pointed to the one next to it and told him my friend did that-(the person whom i consider my best american friend is a beast artist). Anyway, the second day he was assigned to the same classroom at me and I didn't think much of him. But throughout the day he would like give me these looks-maybe flirty-not overly flirty since a room full of kids and a teacher isn't the best flirting setting. Anyway on that day I had commented that I am from Kenya and he didn't say anything which i thought was weird b/c when I tell people where i am from, i end up being bombarded with questions. So day #2-wednesday, some kid was drawing like the emblem of an american football team and the teacher commented that he wasn't that into football which led Martin to say me neither. This schocked me b/c at the time I assumed this is a white guy from the South and these Southern guys love their american football. And so suprised i said "really, why is that?", Martin- "I just didn't grow up with it", me-"oh, so where did u grow up?", Martin- "Germany", me-" wow thats cool, i didn't grow up with football either in kenya, i grew up with the other kind of football" which led to him stating that he wasn't really into either football and that he ran crosscrountry which I am going to do this year. So i guess we bonded on those similarities of being foreigners and runners, maybe more him than me. But that's normal for me since when it comes to guys, I am always the one who loves less. Anyway, I was supposed to leave early at 4:45 to go to crosscountry practice but I guess our conversation was going so well I decided to just be late. On our way out he asked me if I was working the next day and so I thought that was a big hint that he definitely liked me since if he didn't, why would he care. Today we ended up talking a lot more about our college plans, favorite subjects, our countries' weathers and seasons. His affinity for waking up early in the morning mine for sleeping in late. But overall I think our relations at this point has been characterized by this comfortable silence - b/c silence isn't necessarily a bad thing, to me it means u're comfortble enough wit a person that you don't have to say anything to each other to enjoy each other's presence- and a lot of SMILES at each other. But honestly as far as I am concerned he doesn't have the physical characteristics that i like-tall. Although, he does have these beautiful green ways that I just want to swim in. But character wise i think he might be what i am looking for-nice, caring, responsible etc.However, his humor is def. not on point, he may just be trying too hard at his own expense but at least he's trying. Tomorrow's friday, so the last day to volunteer this week and I am interested to see what happens, what I am wondering is- why doesn't he just ask for my #. But although on his 1st day he said he was only volunteering this week, he says he will be there next week-maybe his mind was changed by a special someone-idk? but anyway if he's going to set something up, he needs to hurry up and do it. on "send me that love" part 2 i will explain the title-its deeper than it seems and on the post after I will inform you on what happened.

"Waiting in Vain"

So just got inspired to write this blog after having another argument with my dad. So the title "waiting in vain" in relation to this blog post is I don't want to want in vain for my dad change when I know it's definitely not gonna happen. So b4 you start judging my Dad and me, you should have some background history. My dad and I were very close while growing up. He was my favorite ( even tho i was smart enough not to tell mom that) because I am like him: good at math, science, stubborn. But then I hit puberty, our solid relationship started crumbling I would say in the 9th grade/10th grade and nearing flat-lining 11th grade/ last year. This is because as i have grown up I started to disagree with him on a lot of things and also to be rebellious b/c i don't like control-that's just me. So the arguments are usually about simple things like him thinking he knows me but he doesn't. MERCY you're so mean to your friends, I hope you don't talk to people like that. ME and my friends talk jokingly mean to each other sometimes- like me about their snoring, them about my clumsiness. So mainly it's him being nosy and not minding his own business. The big fight this year was about my decision not to take the ACT-(equivalent of K.C.P.E in kenya) without writing. My theory was that I was saving money because this was my second time to take it and the previous time I had taken it, my writing score was nearly perfect. In my mind this would not be my last time to take the ACT b/c it would be a stepping stone to the score I really wanted to get. I never told him about this decision b/c well it's my decision,my life,and not life/death decision. So the day of the exam, i told my mom about the fact that i was not taking the writing part and she understood or pretended to. So anyway after they pick me up from taking the test, i find myself being yelled at, being insulted, and being accused of being possessed by the devil(mom). I tell my dad he doesn't understand-which is true- b/c obviously he doesn't want to understand my reasons. Sure they were right that most colleges don't take the ACT w/o writing score but this is not the score I want them to take anyway!!. So at that point my dad says that I have insulted him and that he will have nothing to do with me from them on-which he did for 2 weeks until he broke-yes that's right not me but him. So today, he was asking me about my volunteering shifts, I had just come from working 9 hrs straight from little sleep and so he asks me "so will you be working all day the whole week". And i say "no i am gonna stop with the double shift Wednesday coz i can't do this anymore". To which he says something along the lines of "so tomorrow you will be working only in the afternoon" and I say "NO! I AM DOING DOUBLE SHIFT UNTIL WEDNESDAY!". which he then brings up the broken record: "You can't talk to me that way! i am not your age mate!...blah blah blah. Well I can admit I do get attitude with him sometimes but only when he asks stupid questions or nag me about things that are under my control. So right now I am waiting in vain wondering when will this cycle end. My mom tells me to copy my older brother who learned the secret: agree with him no matter what and avoid him as much as possible. But this is not so easy for me b/c #1 i love to argue for what i believe, #2, that's surrendering, #3, i have to rely financially on him and my mom. so, can't really break ties without suffering. I am going to try my brother's approach this week and fill you in on what happens. But i already have a strong feeling that this is not gonna work.

"No Woman no Cry"

So as promised, "In the Beginning part 2". So to keep on with the Bob Marley song-blog titles this blog entry is called No Woman no Cry( let's see how long I can keep this up). So to start where we left off. My family first lived in Carbondale, IL where it wasn't so nice. It was a barren ice land as i earlier mentioned. No jobs, nothing to do. So anyway, school wasn't the best for me because I didn't make friends due to the fact I was a foreigner and people didn't like that. For example, One time I remember crying because we were supposed to be writing in "cursive" in class and since I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. The kid told the teacher "she doesn't know cursive, she's from Africa!"I had one true friend, Kyle, who wasn't very friendly in that she was a loner and instead of playing with me, she would go play by herself. But then some teachers, I guess out of pity, introduced me to these girls who I guess were forced to talk and play with me. So obviously I didn't like it here, after being separated with my best friend in the whole world and being turned into an outcast. however there was one good thing about carbondale: Charlie. Charlie was in 5tth grade and I was in 4th grade. I know Charlie isn't a cool sounding name but he was the most popular guy in school. Gorgeous. charismatic. charming. and all the girls were in love with him. He lived like 1 house away from mine and so we got off the same bus stop. I guess he was just a friendly guy or he was attracted to the gold threads and cowrie shells in my hair like most people. Anyway, he would try to talk to me about the cars passing by: Hummers, Mustangs which I knew nothing about coming from kenya where every foreign car is a Toyota. So i just never said anything or nodded my head and ran home to write on my hand: Mercy Loves Chuck. He would play American football with his friends and I would climb the tree in my backwards to watch while pretending to look at the street. He would play with my brother and watch the cars on the streets go by together( maybe the reason why my brother is so fascinated with cars) until he was almost like a second brother to my little brother, Juma. So it went on like this for a year until the last week before we moved to Alabama where I was jumping rope with his little sister(btw i am a mean jump roper) when he jumped in the rope and started jumping behind me. I could feel him breathing on my neck and I just got so nervous and tripped on the rope- i didn't fall btw. So I ran back in the house out of shame. Anyway, so during the last day of Carbondale, his sister kept hinting that Chuck liked me but obviously I was a shy girl and couldn't act on it #1 because my parents would kill me and #2 b/c of the whole Kenyan accent thing. Anyway, so i left Carbondale without ever saying goodbye to him and when during the first year in Alabama, I would kiss his picture from the yearbook at our elementary school. I don't know what happened to the picture but I still remember him clearly from his dimples to his irresistible smile. Last summer after finding the yearbook, I looked up my friend Kyle and found her on facebook. sent a brief message trying to remind her who I was but no reply. Anyway, i didn't expect one considering the fact that she has totally changed, has a lip and nose piercing, has straightened and colored her hair but even through all that, she still can't hide her striking unforgettable face. I also tried to find Chuck but no luck-he went by several aliases back in elementary school so I wont be surprised if he doesn't go by chuck or charlie anymore. But the funny thing is, even though I know that there is like 0.001% chance of me ever seeing him again, I still wonder WHAT IF: what if I saw him again, what if I hadn't moved, what if I confronted him about our feelings for each other. So, if you are reading this Chuck- i know u're not but if you are. I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart for being my first crush. P.S. when i thought of this blog, this was not the road i was thinking it would take but I think everyone likes love stories more than heart-break stories.

"In the Beginning"

So I am new to blogging. It's something that I have always thought of doing and today after reading several blogs, namely- the diary of a kenyan campus girl. I decided it's never too late or too early to start in my case. So to introduce myself, I want to remain somewhat anonymous so I will go by mercy. To explain the name of my blog- "stolen from Africa, brought to America": I took it from the lyrics of Bob Marley's Buffalo soldier. This lyric I feel applies to me in that, my family and I migrated to the U.S. when I was 9 years old and at that age I had no say so whatsoever in the decision. At the time I regretted it and continued to do so even after we moved here-mainly due to the fact that we landed in a barren icy land in the middle of nowhere-carbondale, IL.however, I have come to appreciate the decision over the years. Anyway that's too long a story to get into. So for my first post-"in the beginning"- song title by k'naan whose music i follow-, i will talk about me as a person. I would say that I am not a normal person-but who is- and not very open-hearted person, maybe somewhat self-centered person-again who isn't. So to self-analyze myself and to give you insight to maybe why I am the way I am. At 9 years old my best friend in the whole wide world, my other half, my soul mate... and I were separated. I was 9 and she was 10-i will refer to her as rose , and so she understood what was happening. I thought America is just right over there- as a kamba would say-nio va, I will still see her. But NO! I never saw her until 3 years later and only for 3 days. I talked to her on the phone from time to time but that was rare due to- time difference and school. So basically, the one person I loved most in the world and still love was ripped out of my world-and this is what i would call heartbreak. as a 9 year old, I think I took the heartbreak well-crying myself to sleep every night,hating my mother for bringing me to this wretched place-the norm. Anyway so from that experience I learned don't love and you won't get hurt. so in relationships even with my friends today- I practice apathy where no matter what they do- I am not hurt because I am numb and also becoz the only friendship i honestly value is with my family and rose who i talk to once every blue moon. so that explains my closed heart- per say. so I will get more into this story and more into me next time/week "in the beginning part 2-NO WOMAN, NO CRY.