Bad relationship KARMA

It's been quite some time since I've written a post on my blog. For that I apologize as 2013 prove to be a busy year while 2014 prove to be a fleeting year (seriously, we've almost reached the 9th month of the year). Besides the fact that time always me (or maybe all of us outside of Hollywood), I would like to thank God for still being  healthy of mind, body, and perhaps soul. I say perhaps because I perceive myself as a self-tortured soul but it's possible that I am being too hard on myself (only God knows).

Let me spare you the good vs. evil evaluation of myself and let's move on to the heart of the matter. Today it dawned on me that I might have self-proclaimed "bad relationship karma". What is bad relationship karma you ask? Well readers, bad relationship karma is a concept that I have conceived to describe misdeeds in relationships that lead to future run-ins with the law of love. In essence, I've never been fair in any romantic relationship that I've had. Why you ask? Probably fear but I'm too frugal to spend money on a psychiatrist to figure that out. So maybe you can all play the role of "Doc" and let me know "what's up" with me (I hope you all caught that pun..if not please google Bugs Bunny).

Now back to me Doc. So how am I not fair? For one, I always have one foot in and one foot out. I'm ready to leave like a thief in the night at any moment. Actually, I'd prefer that over being straight forward with someone and this "thug behavior" might be one of the sources of my "bad relationship karma". Furthermore, I'd rather hurt the other person before they hurt me (even if I have no real proof that they intend on hurting me). Above all, I am so possessive that I'd rather that my past lovers be unhappy in solitude than jolly in new love. You don't have to tell me I'm a monster. I know I am when it comes to love. It's actually ironic that I was named Mercy when I show none of it in the warfare of love.

Recently, I have tried to establish a better track record in love or better yet, amend my old record. I've apologized for past transgressions, tried to play matchmaker for past victims of my "tough" love, and even disciplined myself to not capture "easy prey" (the innocent, the kind, and the naive). But sometimes my old ways still elude me as they are second-nature to me. I think it might actually be best for me to wear a BEWARE sign on my forehead or more suitably, my heart.

Let me stop rambling...I am sure you are all wondering where the karma comes in this story. Well first of all, let me explain that karma does not have to be a series of unfortunate events; I believe that it can be one event that haunts you for a considerable period of time perhaps until you repent. In my case, I have been haunted by someone I hurt for the past 2 years. For the first 6 months, an hour never passed without thinking of him and my soul crying for him. It was torturing because in my mind and my heart I knew that he wasn't the one for me (he was the typical Bobby Brown "bad boy heartthrob" to the self-fulfilling Whitney Houston story that I never want for myself). But for some reason my bad soul connected with his (if you've learned anything from this story, that was probably karma). The soul crushing heart ache paralyzed me and anytime I tried to get back out to the market for new love, I came back home empty handed and disappointed. I gave up after a while and proclaimed it as well-deserved punishment for my misdeeds. Perhaps, that theory was correct as it is 2 YEARS later that I am having signs of recovery in my relationship karma.

Befittingly, I met the "Captain America" of my bad relationship karma saga at an Independence party held on July 5th. I won't say that our heart and soul connected instantaneously but our minds definitely did. For the first time in my love saga, I had met someone who had the same theory on love as I (let's enjoy each other now and figure the rest out later). A relationship was on neither of our minds especially considering that I was leaving the city in less than 2 months. So we enjoyed each other (often, I may add) and even ended up confiding in each other about our life struggles. We were friends and lovers (but not in love with each other). That slowly changed without even our notice: we started to value each other (a great mistake in simple romance). Soon "dessert" was actually preceded by home cooked meals for each other and tender-loving massages. But soon enough, our time would run out.

We were both brave soldiers about the ordeal and assured each other that we would move on to other romances . But part of us wished we didn't have to move on and perhaps part of us had never moved on from our past romances. I could see in his eyes that he was still haunted by a previous romance but still open to love (and I'm sure he could see the same in mine). Because of these memories and desires in our eyes, I had inquired (twice before) about what we were to each other and each time we reassured each other that we were simply enjoying each other's company considering our circumstances. However, the week of my departure (perhaps in a moment of weakness), he implicitly asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I implicitly replied No.

On the fateful day of my departure, our hearts were tense but none of us caved. We shared heartfelt wishes for each other's futures over a long hug but made sure to protect our hearts (no promises were made).  I guess the moral of the story is that we did unto each other as we both wanted to be done on ourselves. We set each other free. But now why is my heart crying for it to be caged in his arms? Perhaps my bad relationship karma still continues to haunt me. "So what's up [with me] Doc"?

Ectsasy vs. True Love/ Crazy Stupid Love

The beauty of lifetime love: watch UP!

 I am not sure how many blog writers have ever used the tittle "crazy stupid love" but excuse me for my lack of originality because it's the only phrase that effectively describes the light bulb that just went off in my head. Maybe you read my last blog post but most likely you didn't. So to give you a short summary, a la (similar to) every romantic comedy/tragedy out there, I met a guy who was everything I ever wanted (funny, kind, charming, tall, warm) wrapped up in a layer everything I never wanted (smoker, alcoholic, pothead, a LEO(prideful)). And to give a brief course of events: when I met him, I ran away from the guy I was currently with and into his arms. But then when his second layer revealed itself, I ran even faster...before he could finish uttering the word "Baabbbbyyy". Everything was alright with that until I stopped running and wondered why I ran. Several drinks and lonely nights later,  I discovered that fear was the reason. Fear that I was getting too attached to someone I knew that I could and did not want a future with. And fear that perhaps I would delude myself into thinking that he was the love of my life because of the  supercaligragistilic feelings of pleasure that I'd never gotten from being with anyone else but him. 

  So for a love that was so short lived, I suffered months of great heartache thinking that I had let go of my only chance at true love (false) and had hurt him more than any other guy I've ever ran out on (true). But I think everything good or bad comes to an end and I realized that I had grieved long enough about the tragedy that had occurred. During the course of my grieving, I had reached out to my so called true love and apologized but it was a little too late since I had waited to do so until I was thousands of miles away, back in my home country. There was not going to be a lovers reunion or a "catch up" coffee date and I got tired of obsessing over his facebook wondering whether he had moved on (while stalking the flocks of women throwing themselves at him). And through this I realized, I had moved on and my guilt was over. Shit happens. Love and life is complicated. We don't always get it right but our mistakes are opportunities to learn from. 

What I've learned from this is that love is something we can actually control. You determine who you fall in love with and why. Never overlook the harsh negative qualities of the other person in the name of love because that will only lead you to heartbreak. Never jump into anything without knowing what you want from it (love, sex, money). And above all always be honest with yourself and your potential or current mate. Because sure you both might have shared feelings of ecstasy when you first met, kissed, and etc but eventually those feelings are not going to be enough anymore. You need trust, intimacy, support, and perseverance to make love work. And you not only have to find someone who exemplifies these qualities but also be someone who lives according to these standards. Passion should be the cherry on top not the foundation of a relationship unless you want to end up on Jerry Springer or therapy for the rest of your life. And I am not trying to sell you the idea of boring passionless love because I truly believe that if you have a good foundation, passion will blossom right out of it and that's the beauty of love. Watching that flame of passion grow through the years will be fulfilling and who knows it might grow so strong that it will eventually set the world on fire (how romantic: muahahaha). 

It's like that old saying that parents tell you about not playing with fire unless you want to get burned. Instead, of playing with fire...build it! Build it from a strong foundation of resilient firewood (loyalty, trust, intimacy) and it will last a lifetime.

P.S. I am only 20 and single...so heed my love advice with caution but like they say even a fool is right from time to time. 

Please let me know if this advice rings true from your experience with love.

-Much love,

Mercy!

What's LOVE without TRAGEDY?!

It seems clear to me that you feel the same way as I do. That you also have that longing to be in each others arms. Our lips reunited after an intense gaze into each others eyes, hearts, soul, mind, body, and spirit as one. But the lump in our throats stop us..because of the fear of losing each other to time, distance, and the world. Fear that we are both deluded in believing that we are meant to be. That this feeling we share isn't timeless but only conditional to our fears and desires. Fear to be alone. Fear to lose in the game of love. Fear of unfaithfulness. Fear of loss. Losing you to your lifestyle..of drugs, alcohol, and other women. Losing me to my principles of...sobriety, higher education, and other men. But we both know that these fears shouldn't matter, that our desire is stronger. In fact we can be stronger together and doesn't love conquer all? Or is the greater story of love about TRAGEDY? Like Romeo and Juliet are we destined to each other only after death. Is our love story of pain and anger or do we eventually find our light not after the tunnel but in this lifetime? It would be so much easier to answer these questions, if you only reached out to me. Stop hiding in yourself, in your shell of darkness and embrace my light that is slowly also turning into darkness. Hurry because my hope is diminishing and this story is looking more and more like a tragedy. But even forever isn't forever and maybe if God wills it,  we'll get it right in the next life. Until then, be safe and always keep our love in your heart as I will in mine.

Jamming

So, over the past month or since I last blogged. Sorry, i've been busy with International Baccalaureate Projects and of course college essays! wooo! I love college and I haven't even finished high school. Anyway, as you can tell from the title of the blog spot, due to demanding school work, I have been listening to alot of music. Raggae-TOK, Gyptian, of course Bob. RnB- Chrisette Mischele, James Blunt, Bruno Mars, No doubt. etc. So in essence, i've been jamming.
From most of these songs, I've realized how relationships suck! and I love my independence. This has also been as a result of the extensive time I've been spending with my best friend. We are super close now like Cognac and Hennesy- those are in fact our names for each other. We even have an amazing secret handshake and we pretty do much everything together. We take the horrible chemistry together- where we have enjoyed ice cream made out of liquid nitrogen. Bitched and moaned about guys together. Gone on "girl" dates together- actually yesterday we went to see improv comedy.
To make the story more interesting, I was the one who suggested going to see improv comedy because from my earlier posts I said on our second date Martin and I were supposed to go to see the improv comedy show of that month but I declined due to school work and we split ways after that. So i suggested we go because #1 i always wanted to see what I was missing out on and #2 to get closure from the Martin thing. So we went to the show yesterday after almost killing ourselves driving trying to find the place due to horrible directions from someone. And although we had an awesome time, Martin was not there. So, I was totally disappointed because the whole week when I was anticipating for Friday to come I kept thinking, I am so over this guy  that even if he asked me to try to be together again. I would decline.
Why? #1 I always think in the back of my head that he primarily dated me because I am black and these Germans when they come to the U.S. they like to brag to Germans back home that they've been with a Black girl. #2 because he was very shy and kind of boring- and I am not attracted to that and I wasn't initially attracted to him #3 I don't think I could date a white guy cause their taste in Music is horrible unless they smoke weed which I can't deal with either. #4, he was not as tall as I would go for. #5 I don't like how demanding relationships are.
So i plan to be single until I meet someone who makes me laugh endlessly, who I can enjoy music with, whose intelligence compares to mine. and who embraces other cultures. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. Until then in the words of Natasha Bedingfield "I am single!! and that's how I want to be!"
oops! i forgot to review the improv Comedy. it was alright. nothing I would pay for unless I was extremely bored. the guys are really talented but most of their jokes fly past my head cause they are based of pop culture from like the 90s when they were teenagers. plus, it's based on the comedy of "Who's line is it anyway?" which is a show I never enjoyed watching. Personally, i prefer practiced reheaarsed standup comedy. If you know some good places in Kenya for that. hit me up.

"Reaction"/"Time will Tell"

So by the title "Time will Tell" you can guess the "Reaction" was good. right?And if you guessed that, then you're right. So to refresh your memory, on the last post I said that I was going to confront Martin with that short speech that I had jotted down. But after I posted that blog post, I called one of my besties which led to a change of plans. This bestie who is a gay guy by the way speaks German and lived in Germany for like two months. So i called him up and told him about my dilemma and read him my speech.

He hated the speech. His idea was to be cute by calling Martin aside and pulling the speech out. and then crumpling it out and saying "forget the speech, I like you, you like me, what are going to do about it?" which I liked but was too daring for me. So we decided on me telling Martin that I like him in German which my friend wasn't sure if it was "ich mach dich" or "ich mach deer". I decided on Ich mach dich. And so that was my plan which got me so anxious that I could barely sleep that night.

So I woke up around 11:00 which is an hour and 40 minutes before I start my bike ride to the museum. So I  ate some toast and at 11:30 I was so anxious to get there early that I decided to leave 10 minutes ahead of time. But the day did not start off well, while I was distracted watching a car coming towards me on an intersection , I forgot to jump a curb and fell miserably which led me scraping my knee(I heard someone laughing at me which only furthered my humiliation). But I am a fighter so I got back up wiped the blood off with my hands and kept riding. So i got there at like 12:45 and check on the sign in sheet for Martin but it seems like Martin hasn't come in yet. So i stumble to the bathroom and clean up. I am lucky to get a band-aid from the front desk.

So I go to my classroom and wait for Martin who shows up minutes later. So for the whole class we only have 2 people show up so it's a very slow and non-demanding day. So we get to talk alot and when all the students leave , we have 10 minutes left on the clock so we decide to go outside and "get some sun". So fortunately he asks for my number and shortly we go back inside to check out. So when we are at the basement where I leave mybike I asks him what he's doing after and he says that he is just going to check out some hedges that he needs to trim(he can't get a normal job  because of the whole visa-work permit thing) which I find pretty impressive. But obviously my plans were to have sort of a heart to heart.

So I aks him what time he has to be there and he says he just told his customers that he'd be there whenever. So I tell him that I was planning to go to the park again and he could come if he wanted. To which he says "Okay, I'll come but I don't want to run after you" to which I say "don't worry, I'll ride slow"(because of the whole bike, walking thing). So I ride slow while he walks beside me and we head towards the park. After walking past the ducks and swings. We come towards a swing bench like the one below. And he says "so where did you plan to go" and I say pointing to the swing "here is fine". So we sit down and I comment on how I wish the view was better because the pond/lake has weeds everywhere and is terribly dirty. And after we contine commenting on the view. There is awkward silence.

Image by edfinn via Flickr

So i decide to confess my earlier plans to confront him. So i say
" you know you ruined my plans for today"
"how is that?"
"because i planned to confront what is happening between us. I was wondering why you hadn't asked my number and my friend told me maybe you expected you to ask for your number. But I wasn't going to ask for your number. I was just going to ask you what your explanation was for what was happening and what your intentions were."


I don't remember what happened after this. I remember he avoided telling me his explanation and Intentions and we continued talking. We talked about everything from our plans for our careers, life,our schools, and our countries.
So I needed to be home before dark #1 because it's scary to ride a bike at night and #2 because we were leaving for Texas for a wedding that night. So at I believe 6:00 we walked towards the Museum parking lot but since the sidewalk that leads to the road that I ride on was right by the bridge leading to the park from the museum, I told himthat this was my spot(which seemed to catch him offguard-maybe i threw him off course of what he planned to do at the end). So there was this awkward moment where I am on my bike and he's standing and ww are looking at each other. So to break the ice, I say "so..I am not really good at hugs but.." So we  hug and his phone starts ringing,and so we stop and say our goodbyes.

So I ride my bike ever so carefully and when I get home, there is chaos trying to pack and everything. Butt continuing with the story of Martin. On Saturday, the day of the wedding he texted me and I texted him until the wedding was about to start. Later on Sunday when we were on our way back to Alabama we texted until my phone battery died. When I got home at like 10:00. I texted him "I don't remember what we were talking about. But my battery died. Anyway I'm back home now so. I hope you're not asleep. If u r then-sweet dreams". He wasn't asleep, so we kept texting until there was lights out at his running camp which he is at until Thursday of this week.

Send me that Love part 3.

So I think this week I was supposed to talk about interracial relationships and what has happened with Martin thus far. Well, the funny thing is that my African American friend and I just happened to be talking about this last week and so it should be fresh on my mind. So the question was: why are there not more interracial relationships; why are people so scared? Well I think people are usually not against interracial dating themselves but are usually afraid to engage in it because of what other people will think-whether it be friends, family, or suspicious onlookers in the street. Personally, I feel open towards interracial dating-obviously; however, my plan is to try to find someone within the kenyan community first before I venture outside. Which in my case there aren't any Kenyan boys my age where I live and so I venture out of my race bubble. However, what is weird is that although I knew this would happen and will happen- most Kenyan women in foreign countries marry white men-I still would rather find an African guy-preferably Kenyan. I mean, when I daydream about my future I never see a white husband but then again do i see a husband in the picture(i'll try to remember the next time i daydream). I think interracial relationships are not so abundant because of history. Black women don't want to marry white men because years ago they were raped and enslaved by them- so would be marrying a white man enslaving themselves? is what they wonder. However, as I said to Martin when we were talking on facebook chat, "History is History" and considering the fact that he's German which is equated with Natzi-take over the world schemes and kill non-whites, i am not surprised he agrees with me. So Martin and I are still in the flirting stage which I which I could get out of because I hate wasting my time when it is avoidable. So, Friday we were both in the same classroom again and the deep stares into each others eyes just went on and on. However, throughout the whole thing I was afraid that one of us would get moved to another class and then of course our chance would be blown. Which did almost happen the 1st time it was because the administrator wanted another volunteer in the 5-7 room and she asked me first and i begged for her not to send me in that room because the kids are so young and crazy and last time i did not have a good time due to being on restroom duty. So she asked the other volunteer as Martin remained quiet and he volunteered to go. So now it was even better cause it was just me and him. But not so fast, the administrator kept pulliing him out of the class for him to do stuff for her. And then i volunteered to be pulled out to do stuff for her (to make him miss me like i missed him when he was gone) which meant i missed the whole museum tour to view all the art with the kids. And then when i did finish my work and catch up with them, some girl busted her toe and I had to take her to clean it up. And then we were back in the classroom and ready to leave. So as usual we walk to the sign out area and head downstairs. And when we are parting I say "see you monday, that is if i am there" to which he says " you better be there" and I say "I'll try". So obviously today is Monday and I am going to be there. My only fear is that we are not assigned to the same room which means today will be wasted as a me and him day. So next time I will post what happened. P.S.: this song is off the chain by CLD, Raz, Film C, Chikuzee & OHZY – So Nice (click link). I think i like it b/c it mentions OREO-which is sometimes what they call interracial couples in the U.S. b/c they're black on outside and white on inside. and of course beacause it's a awesome song.

"send me that love" part 2

So i pledged to explain the title on part 1. Well continuing with precedent, it is a Bob Marley song and i thought it best fitted the blog because of my mentality when it comes to love. I think due to past experiences(read "in the beginning") I try to guard my heart from heartbreak. For example, I prefer to enter relationships with people who I know I will enjoy their company, who will treat me right but where it is assured that the relationship will have to end. Like for example, earlier this summer, this guy-Paul- and I were really hitting it off-he enjoyed talking- him more than I. And although I knew this guy wasn't the one, I liked the idea of a relationship with him b/c its future was predicted due to the fact that he would be leaving for college in September. Either way, things didn't work out but history has repeated itself with Martin. What appeals to me about this guy is that he's good boyfriend material and he would be indispensable in senior year with all these senior dances that we have to go to w/t a date. But the main thing is that I know it will end and probably how it will end since he plans to go to Germany for college and me to Boston. So personally, it seems to me (i am the only one finding it funny how i try to be my own psychiatrist) that I like relationships that have a guarantee and that are predictable b/c there is less chance for heartbreak. I don't like to be in a relationship with a guy i truly and fully like where I am imagine him as the one because I would want the relationship to last and if it didn't, I would be heartbroken yet again. I am thinking I will stop this cycle in college because well heartbreak is a part of college and life and sooner or later we must experience it. Also, it would be easier to rebound from a breakup un college than in high school b/c there are eligible guys everywhere in college as opposed to the 15 guys i see everyday for my IB school program out of the 2500 ppl that go to my school. and #2 i don't want the distractions that are accompanied by heartbreak during this year when I have to get my test scores right so that i can get into the colleges i want to go to. However, when I imagine my life some 10 years from now I imagine having a husband that loves me as much as i love him. And so I hope that God "sends me that love" someday maybe not now, if he hasn't already(Martin & others). so next post, i will talk about what happened between me and martin.

"No Woman no Cry"

So as promised, "In the Beginning part 2". So to keep on with the Bob Marley song-blog titles this blog entry is called No Woman no Cry( let's see how long I can keep this up). So to start where we left off. My family first lived in Carbondale, IL where it wasn't so nice. It was a barren ice land as i earlier mentioned. No jobs, nothing to do. So anyway, school wasn't the best for me because I didn't make friends due to the fact I was a foreigner and people didn't like that. For example, One time I remember crying because we were supposed to be writing in "cursive" in class and since I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing. The kid told the teacher "she doesn't know cursive, she's from Africa!"I had one true friend, Kyle, who wasn't very friendly in that she was a loner and instead of playing with me, she would go play by herself. But then some teachers, I guess out of pity, introduced me to these girls who I guess were forced to talk and play with me. So obviously I didn't like it here, after being separated with my best friend in the whole world and being turned into an outcast. however there was one good thing about carbondale: Charlie. Charlie was in 5tth grade and I was in 4th grade. I know Charlie isn't a cool sounding name but he was the most popular guy in school. Gorgeous. charismatic. charming. and all the girls were in love with him. He lived like 1 house away from mine and so we got off the same bus stop. I guess he was just a friendly guy or he was attracted to the gold threads and cowrie shells in my hair like most people. Anyway, he would try to talk to me about the cars passing by: Hummers, Mustangs which I knew nothing about coming from kenya where every foreign car is a Toyota. So i just never said anything or nodded my head and ran home to write on my hand: Mercy Loves Chuck. He would play American football with his friends and I would climb the tree in my backwards to watch while pretending to look at the street. He would play with my brother and watch the cars on the streets go by together( maybe the reason why my brother is so fascinated with cars) until he was almost like a second brother to my little brother, Juma. So it went on like this for a year until the last week before we moved to Alabama where I was jumping rope with his little sister(btw i am a mean jump roper) when he jumped in the rope and started jumping behind me. I could feel him breathing on my neck and I just got so nervous and tripped on the rope- i didn't fall btw. So I ran back in the house out of shame. Anyway, so during the last day of Carbondale, his sister kept hinting that Chuck liked me but obviously I was a shy girl and couldn't act on it #1 because my parents would kill me and #2 b/c of the whole Kenyan accent thing. Anyway, so i left Carbondale without ever saying goodbye to him and when during the first year in Alabama, I would kiss his picture from the yearbook at our elementary school. I don't know what happened to the picture but I still remember him clearly from his dimples to his irresistible smile. Last summer after finding the yearbook, I looked up my friend Kyle and found her on facebook. sent a brief message trying to remind her who I was but no reply. Anyway, i didn't expect one considering the fact that she has totally changed, has a lip and nose piercing, has straightened and colored her hair but even through all that, she still can't hide her striking unforgettable face. I also tried to find Chuck but no luck-he went by several aliases back in elementary school so I wont be surprised if he doesn't go by chuck or charlie anymore. But the funny thing is, even though I know that there is like 0.001% chance of me ever seeing him again, I still wonder WHAT IF: what if I saw him again, what if I hadn't moved, what if I confronted him about our feelings for each other. So, if you are reading this Chuck- i know u're not but if you are. I want you to know that you will always hold a special place in my heart for being my first crush. P.S. when i thought of this blog, this was not the road i was thinking it would take but I think everyone likes love stories more than heart-break stories.