Jamming

So, over the past month or since I last blogged. Sorry, i've been busy with International Baccalaureate Projects and of course college essays! wooo! I love college and I haven't even finished high school. Anyway, as you can tell from the title of the blog spot, due to demanding school work, I have been listening to alot of music. Raggae-TOK, Gyptian, of course Bob. RnB- Chrisette Mischele, James Blunt, Bruno Mars, No doubt. etc. So in essence, i've been jamming.
From most of these songs, I've realized how relationships suck! and I love my independence. This has also been as a result of the extensive time I've been spending with my best friend. We are super close now like Cognac and Hennesy- those are in fact our names for each other. We even have an amazing secret handshake and we pretty do much everything together. We take the horrible chemistry together- where we have enjoyed ice cream made out of liquid nitrogen. Bitched and moaned about guys together. Gone on "girl" dates together- actually yesterday we went to see improv comedy.
To make the story more interesting, I was the one who suggested going to see improv comedy because from my earlier posts I said on our second date Martin and I were supposed to go to see the improv comedy show of that month but I declined due to school work and we split ways after that. So i suggested we go because #1 i always wanted to see what I was missing out on and #2 to get closure from the Martin thing. So we went to the show yesterday after almost killing ourselves driving trying to find the place due to horrible directions from someone. And although we had an awesome time, Martin was not there. So, I was totally disappointed because the whole week when I was anticipating for Friday to come I kept thinking, I am so over this guy  that even if he asked me to try to be together again. I would decline.
Why? #1 I always think in the back of my head that he primarily dated me because I am black and these Germans when they come to the U.S. they like to brag to Germans back home that they've been with a Black girl. #2 because he was very shy and kind of boring- and I am not attracted to that and I wasn't initially attracted to him #3 I don't think I could date a white guy cause their taste in Music is horrible unless they smoke weed which I can't deal with either. #4, he was not as tall as I would go for. #5 I don't like how demanding relationships are.
So i plan to be single until I meet someone who makes me laugh endlessly, who I can enjoy music with, whose intelligence compares to mine. and who embraces other cultures. Is that too much to ask for? I don't think so. Until then in the words of Natasha Bedingfield "I am single!! and that's how I want to be!"
oops! i forgot to review the improv Comedy. it was alright. nothing I would pay for unless I was extremely bored. the guys are really talented but most of their jokes fly past my head cause they are based of pop culture from like the 90s when they were teenagers. plus, it's based on the comedy of "Who's line is it anyway?" which is a show I never enjoyed watching. Personally, i prefer practiced reheaarsed standup comedy. If you know some good places in Kenya for that. hit me up.

"hypocrites"

So i realize i haven't made any new post recently but i have been really busy with managing school and cross country. Also, i haven't been motivated since no one makes any comments but w/e. so alot of interesting drama-filled things have happened to me since the last time i posted, as u can imagine since i am back in school now.

but really today i was inspired to post a blog b/c my best friend is too busy to listen to me vent about what happened today and since someone stole my phone at school, i can't call anyone else.so as i mentioned earlier, i am doing cross country which basically is we kill ourselves running 3 miles at weird locations in rain or shine.our first competition was last week and i was really happy about it since i placed 6th even though this is my first year running seriously in my entire life. However today there was so much more competition that i was only able to place #29 out of like about 100 or more girls. so i am still really happy about this. Anyway so you remember Martin, right? if you don;'t look at the previous post related to "still searching" and "send me that love". so since Martin runs cross country,his school was there. I didn't expect things to be awkward since the "breakup" was pretty much mutual and since he was the one who engaged the "breakup talk". I expected to at least for us to say "hi" and chit chat a little about how school is and w/e. anyway, i saw him a couple times prior to me running and basically i would look away anytime he got close to our tent. But i KNEW he saw me. it was obvious. again at the ceremonial awards after the race, he kept looking at me and i looked at him a couple times. finally, when he was getting his medal for being in top ten for boys, he looked straight at me for a span of like 7 seconds.I wanted to congratulate him but never got the chance and w/e.

so when i got home, i went on facebook and wrote him a message saying "just wanted to congratulate you since its the sportsmanlike thing to do and i never got to do so earlier". so after my long nap i go on to fb and see his reply which is like "thanks, i didn't see you there?how did you do?" And in my head i am like why is this dude pretending that he didn't see me when he purposely made an attempt to look at me when he was receiving a medal. one of the possibilities could be because i was hanging out with michael my friend pretty much the whole time and it seems like martin could be jealous of michael. #1 over the summer at the museum when martin and were both volunteering, he said that he didn't know my friend michael even though they have been in races competing a/g each other for two years.

so this led me to the conclusion that martin definitely has some issues. why would u lie to me that you don't know someone when you do. why would you pretend like you didn't see me when was the one who decided to end things between us. I  should be the one doing that if I wasn't over him. But i have been over him since the day he ended things with me so idk what to think about this whole thing.one of my theories is that i broke his heart. i know its weird to think that since he was the one who ended things but I think i had a lot too do with it. for example, since at the end of our first date i blurted "so..this is awkward" (refer to my earlier posts) which is probably not what he wanted to hear but it was awkard i hated the pressure of the whole first-date kiss moment. I didn't know if he was planning to kiss me or not. and i sort of accidentally implied  that i didn't want to take things further by saying "i'm really bad at goodbyes" which he might of thought meant forever. anyway, i honestly don't care what happened, there's no excuse for being a hypocrite like that. what difference does it make if you acknowledge the fact that you saw me or that you know my friend.

"Send me that love" part-i lost count

yum!huh?

So I just came home from what? A date? with who you ask?Obama! No not really. But if you guessed Martin, then you are totally right! And am so happy it worked out cause I was so anxious like 5 minutes before he came to pick me up. There wasn't enough time to call any of my firends to give me a pep talk. So I told myself. come on Mercy, there's nothing to lose- If he doesn't like you or misbehaves then you got to watch a movie free of charge(since he was paying for the date-at least the most expensive part since I offered to pay for ice cream after the movie).


So to narrate the date to you. He shows up at my house at 6:00 or at least my driveway at 6:00 since technically I shouldn't be dating-youu know how Kenyan parents are. So I walk out of my house in my blue skirt and blue-checkered shirt, and my natural hair tied back in a ponytail. I am scared that he'll freak and ask what happened to your hair since the last time he saw me I had long brunette braids. But he doesn't. I find him standing outside his car waiting for me and I hug him while asking if he had trouble finding the place. He replies "No" and explains that his cross country team runs around my area, so..wasn't hard.
So we talk about Covert Affairs and Psych which are popular shows right now in the U.S.
We arrive at the movies at 6:30 and then he buys the tickets and we walk in. *mistake he made-not opening the door 4 me but it's probably bc I didn't give him a chance.
So we are walking to the theatre room we are supposed to go to . to see Inception and on our way some black dude pops out of nowhere and asks "hey man! where did you get those shoes from" Martin replies "Shoestation" "Ok thank you, man! I've been wantin shoes like that".
And we just burst out laughing cause that was just totally uncalled for. So we walk into the theatre. me in the lead and I lead him to the seats all the way at the top/back cause you want privacy right? (especially for make out sessions if there are any). So he asks "do you always sit at the back" and i say "yes"-although I really don't , I usually sit at the middle with my brothers. He says "oh ok. I usually sit at the middle".

So we watch the previews for upcoming movies while waiting for our movie to start which leads to awkward silence and laughs. The movie starts and we are like so into it. cause if you haven't heard INCEPTION is a mind blowing movie. We don't even talk except for the occasional "that's so cool" from him and the "yeah it is" from me. So we finish the movie. He walks infront and fast considering the fact that my thighs are so sore from running 5 miles yesterday. Anway, he opens the door this time and we leave to go eat ice cream across the street. So when we get to Marble Slab Creamery, he apparently is really full and isn't in the mood for ice cream-which i am like who is never in the mood for ice cream ( I was thinking maybe he just didn't want me to spend money on him cause he might look like a total douche bag in front of all the workers and customers). So I order my rocky road which is made of -walnuts, chocolate chips, chocolate ice cream and marshmallows.  While waiting for the workers to mix it up, I ask" so what did you eat that made you so full"
"a panini"
"a panini? that shouldn't make you so full"
"it was a really big panini-cause i made it at home"
"okay if you say so"
So i get my rocky road pay the $5 and we go sit all the way at the end since I hate people staring at me. So we talk about my so-called allergies to nuts which I'll explain later. And then my real allergy to red ants.Christmas in the Summer in Kenya. White christmas in Germany. locker situations at our school.And of course how cool the movie was and how I don't dream anymore for some strange reason.

"Reaction"/"Time will Tell"

So by the title "Time will Tell" you can guess the "Reaction" was good. right?And if you guessed that, then you're right. So to refresh your memory, on the last post I said that I was going to confront Martin with that short speech that I had jotted down. But after I posted that blog post, I called one of my besties which led to a change of plans. This bestie who is a gay guy by the way speaks German and lived in Germany for like two months. So i called him up and told him about my dilemma and read him my speech.

He hated the speech. His idea was to be cute by calling Martin aside and pulling the speech out. and then crumpling it out and saying "forget the speech, I like you, you like me, what are going to do about it?" which I liked but was too daring for me. So we decided on me telling Martin that I like him in German which my friend wasn't sure if it was "ich mach dich" or "ich mach deer". I decided on Ich mach dich. And so that was my plan which got me so anxious that I could barely sleep that night.

So I woke up around 11:00 which is an hour and 40 minutes before I start my bike ride to the museum. So I  ate some toast and at 11:30 I was so anxious to get there early that I decided to leave 10 minutes ahead of time. But the day did not start off well, while I was distracted watching a car coming towards me on an intersection , I forgot to jump a curb and fell miserably which led me scraping my knee(I heard someone laughing at me which only furthered my humiliation). But I am a fighter so I got back up wiped the blood off with my hands and kept riding. So i got there at like 12:45 and check on the sign in sheet for Martin but it seems like Martin hasn't come in yet. So i stumble to the bathroom and clean up. I am lucky to get a band-aid from the front desk.

So I go to my classroom and wait for Martin who shows up minutes later. So for the whole class we only have 2 people show up so it's a very slow and non-demanding day. So we get to talk alot and when all the students leave , we have 10 minutes left on the clock so we decide to go outside and "get some sun". So fortunately he asks for my number and shortly we go back inside to check out. So when we are at the basement where I leave mybike I asks him what he's doing after and he says that he is just going to check out some hedges that he needs to trim(he can't get a normal job  because of the whole visa-work permit thing) which I find pretty impressive. But obviously my plans were to have sort of a heart to heart.

So I aks him what time he has to be there and he says he just told his customers that he'd be there whenever. So I tell him that I was planning to go to the park again and he could come if he wanted. To which he says "Okay, I'll come but I don't want to run after you" to which I say "don't worry, I'll ride slow"(because of the whole bike, walking thing). So I ride slow while he walks beside me and we head towards the park. After walking past the ducks and swings. We come towards a swing bench like the one below. And he says "so where did you plan to go" and I say pointing to the swing "here is fine". So we sit down and I comment on how I wish the view was better because the pond/lake has weeds everywhere and is terribly dirty. And after we contine commenting on the view. There is awkward silence.

Image by edfinn via Flickr

So i decide to confess my earlier plans to confront him. So i say
" you know you ruined my plans for today"
"how is that?"
"because i planned to confront what is happening between us. I was wondering why you hadn't asked my number and my friend told me maybe you expected you to ask for your number. But I wasn't going to ask for your number. I was just going to ask you what your explanation was for what was happening and what your intentions were."


I don't remember what happened after this. I remember he avoided telling me his explanation and Intentions and we continued talking. We talked about everything from our plans for our careers, life,our schools, and our countries.
So I needed to be home before dark #1 because it's scary to ride a bike at night and #2 because we were leaving for Texas for a wedding that night. So at I believe 6:00 we walked towards the Museum parking lot but since the sidewalk that leads to the road that I ride on was right by the bridge leading to the park from the museum, I told himthat this was my spot(which seemed to catch him offguard-maybe i threw him off course of what he planned to do at the end). So there was this awkward moment where I am on my bike and he's standing and ww are looking at each other. So to break the ice, I say "so..I am not really good at hugs but.." So we  hug and his phone starts ringing,and so we stop and say our goodbyes.

So I ride my bike ever so carefully and when I get home, there is chaos trying to pack and everything. Butt continuing with the story of Martin. On Saturday, the day of the wedding he texted me and I texted him until the wedding was about to start. Later on Sunday when we were on our way back to Alabama we texted until my phone battery died. When I got home at like 10:00. I texted him "I don't remember what we were talking about. But my battery died. Anyway I'm back home now so. I hope you're not asleep. If u r then-sweet dreams". He wasn't asleep, so we kept texting until there was lights out at his running camp which he is at until Thursday of this week.

"Real Situation"

So, I've been distracted from completing my school work this past week. Wonder why? Of course it's Martin. So to end this misery and torture wondering when is he going to ask me out, does he really like me?etc. I have decided to talk to him tomorrow and I wrote down what I want to say. I know "real situations" don't usually happen as planned but this is sort of how I plan for it to happen. Hey M. Can I talk to you. I hate to be the romance killer but I kind of have to confront something because that's just who I am. When I spend/waste my time thinking about a guy romantically for more than 5 hrs not one day of course. And the signs of flirting and all that are there. And the guy still hasn't made a move yet, I like to come to a fight or flight point. And basically what I am saying is, we have been flirting for more than a week now and Nothing has happened yet. You haven't asked for my number or out on a date or anything and so this is critical point where you say if you want to go into that direction or stop what's happening here. It's my last day to work here and If I don't do cross country I'll probably never see you again. So if you can at least explain to me what's going on here and tell me what your intentions are. Then my whole dilemma on whether to continue thinking about you or move on would be solved. So that is what I plan to tell him tomorrow and honestly what happens after I tell him is up to him. My hope is that obviously we continue to hang out and talking maybe even go into couple mode. But honestly I won't totally be disappointed if that doesn't happen because well it would actually be very difficult and demanding to have a boy friend and do my school at the same time. I would probably get better results without him distracting me but others have done it and so can I. Plus, I have made a pact to myself that school comes first if it comes down to it, then I will drop him. Honestly, what I am wondering is how will I sleep tonight thinking about this? But I am glad that soon this restlessness will be all over. So of course next post is about the decision he made and how I took it.

"Stiff necked fools".

So this post is sort of dedicated to the teacher I have been helping along with Martin at the Art Museum. By the way, this is not a good dedication. Not that I don't like the teacher in fact I do, let's call him Mr.Brown cause he is brown. Anyway it was something that he said that caught my attention( and not in a good way). Ok, so i am just setting up the paint station, Martin- who as i earlier mentioned is white- is out of the room at the moment and he says to me "Mercy, how is it dealing with black kids when you are so smart". So at that moment i'm like wait a second is that what i just heard from this black person. So i know he was referring to African Americans in general when he mentioned black people since we are in America. So my response was that ever since I had been living here, I have gone to school for smart people. So irregardless of race, we were all there to learn. Sure there was the bullies but mainly those bullies bullied out of jealousy of my intelligence like when I would teach the class a shortcut I had discovered for a Math question. So we went on talking where he stated "all these black children here are just lazy, don't want to use their brains". What i wanted to say was "that's a generalization and i think it's unfair to make that statement considering there are black children who work hard in school". But what i said was "true. but I usually don't surround myself with those people. I usually hang out with foreigners or children of foreigners- mainly asians". But recently, I have started hanging out with the black kids of my IB college program and these are people who are fully committed to success like me.<>. So anyway back to Mr.Brown. So we end up talking about the diversity in our schools. Martin goes to a private school-primarily white- and says that he wishes that even though he is friends with a Nigerian and Korean, he wishes there was more diversity. (which obviously I was totally impressed by) Anyway when i went home I started thinking about this more especially how one of the black ladies in charge of the black kids at the museum had asked me where I was from because I talk different-like a white person. And black people always try to mock me for not talking like them-ghetto- despite the fact that I am black. SO this led me to the revelation that race doesn't define anything except your race. It doesn't define how you walk, dress, eat, talk, laugh, drive,..anything. But why do people make it that way. Obviously it's the environment. look at Eminem for example he's a white person but raps and talks like a black ghetto person while in society he's not supposed to rap or talk like that. But where(environment) Eminem came from people rapped and talked like that and now so does he. So i am sick and tired of these people who look at you and put you in a box. "OH, you're black- go into the black box where you behave this way". But many people don't fit into those boxes. Like me for example. Like why would someone expect me to speak like an AFrican AMerican when I AM AFRICAN! It annoys me. I spoke British English before I got here, not ghetto English. And when i started to live here, I didn't move into the ghetto and I didn't go to a ghetto school and I didn't associate with ghetto people. So why in the hell do people expect me to speak ghetto. Because of the color of my skin. Honestly, those stiff necked fools can go to hell. So if you're planning to come to America at some point you should be ready for this discrimination mainly by the blacks themselves. p.s.I know there have been problems with commenting. It should be at the top of this post where it says the amount of comments. 

Send me that Love part 3.

So I think this week I was supposed to talk about interracial relationships and what has happened with Martin thus far. Well, the funny thing is that my African American friend and I just happened to be talking about this last week and so it should be fresh on my mind. So the question was: why are there not more interracial relationships; why are people so scared? Well I think people are usually not against interracial dating themselves but are usually afraid to engage in it because of what other people will think-whether it be friends, family, or suspicious onlookers in the street. Personally, I feel open towards interracial dating-obviously; however, my plan is to try to find someone within the kenyan community first before I venture outside. Which in my case there aren't any Kenyan boys my age where I live and so I venture out of my race bubble. However, what is weird is that although I knew this would happen and will happen- most Kenyan women in foreign countries marry white men-I still would rather find an African guy-preferably Kenyan. I mean, when I daydream about my future I never see a white husband but then again do i see a husband in the picture(i'll try to remember the next time i daydream). I think interracial relationships are not so abundant because of history. Black women don't want to marry white men because years ago they were raped and enslaved by them- so would be marrying a white man enslaving themselves? is what they wonder. However, as I said to Martin when we were talking on facebook chat, "History is History" and considering the fact that he's German which is equated with Natzi-take over the world schemes and kill non-whites, i am not surprised he agrees with me. So Martin and I are still in the flirting stage which I which I could get out of because I hate wasting my time when it is avoidable. So, Friday we were both in the same classroom again and the deep stares into each others eyes just went on and on. However, throughout the whole thing I was afraid that one of us would get moved to another class and then of course our chance would be blown. Which did almost happen the 1st time it was because the administrator wanted another volunteer in the 5-7 room and she asked me first and i begged for her not to send me in that room because the kids are so young and crazy and last time i did not have a good time due to being on restroom duty. So she asked the other volunteer as Martin remained quiet and he volunteered to go. So now it was even better cause it was just me and him. But not so fast, the administrator kept pulliing him out of the class for him to do stuff for her. And then i volunteered to be pulled out to do stuff for her (to make him miss me like i missed him when he was gone) which meant i missed the whole museum tour to view all the art with the kids. And then when i did finish my work and catch up with them, some girl busted her toe and I had to take her to clean it up. And then we were back in the classroom and ready to leave. So as usual we walk to the sign out area and head downstairs. And when we are parting I say "see you monday, that is if i am there" to which he says " you better be there" and I say "I'll try". So obviously today is Monday and I am going to be there. My only fear is that we are not assigned to the same room which means today will be wasted as a me and him day. So next time I will post what happened. P.S.: this song is off the chain by CLD, Raz, Film C, Chikuzee & OHZY – So Nice (click link). I think i like it b/c it mentions OREO-which is sometimes what they call interracial couples in the U.S. b/c they're black on outside and white on inside. and of course beacause it's a awesome song.

"send me that love" part 2

So i pledged to explain the title on part 1. Well continuing with precedent, it is a Bob Marley song and i thought it best fitted the blog because of my mentality when it comes to love. I think due to past experiences(read "in the beginning") I try to guard my heart from heartbreak. For example, I prefer to enter relationships with people who I know I will enjoy their company, who will treat me right but where it is assured that the relationship will have to end. Like for example, earlier this summer, this guy-Paul- and I were really hitting it off-he enjoyed talking- him more than I. And although I knew this guy wasn't the one, I liked the idea of a relationship with him b/c its future was predicted due to the fact that he would be leaving for college in September. Either way, things didn't work out but history has repeated itself with Martin. What appeals to me about this guy is that he's good boyfriend material and he would be indispensable in senior year with all these senior dances that we have to go to w/t a date. But the main thing is that I know it will end and probably how it will end since he plans to go to Germany for college and me to Boston. So personally, it seems to me (i am the only one finding it funny how i try to be my own psychiatrist) that I like relationships that have a guarantee and that are predictable b/c there is less chance for heartbreak. I don't like to be in a relationship with a guy i truly and fully like where I am imagine him as the one because I would want the relationship to last and if it didn't, I would be heartbroken yet again. I am thinking I will stop this cycle in college because well heartbreak is a part of college and life and sooner or later we must experience it. Also, it would be easier to rebound from a breakup un college than in high school b/c there are eligible guys everywhere in college as opposed to the 15 guys i see everyday for my IB school program out of the 2500 ppl that go to my school. and #2 i don't want the distractions that are accompanied by heartbreak during this year when I have to get my test scores right so that i can get into the colleges i want to go to. However, when I imagine my life some 10 years from now I imagine having a husband that loves me as much as i love him. And so I hope that God "sends me that love" someday maybe not now, if he hasn't already(Martin & others). so next post, i will talk about what happened between me and martin.

"Send me that love" part 1

So this week has been a crazy week due to my mad volunteering that is required for me to get a diploma. I have been volunteering at an art museum and like science exhibit place working with the children in their summer camps. So I never met any good loooking guys at either of them and i assumed it was because of the fact that all hot guys are lazy, vain, and wouldn't think of helping others. But I was wrong. There's this new guy-lets call him Martin- and well he might not be like a male runway model but he's nice looking. Just so you know, he's from Germany which means caucausian, white etc.- I guess i'll touch on this subject later. Well anyway, the first day he was there he was just looking at some art and I pointed to the one next to it and told him my friend did that-(the person whom i consider my best american friend is a beast artist). Anyway, the second day he was assigned to the same classroom at me and I didn't think much of him. But throughout the day he would like give me these looks-maybe flirty-not overly flirty since a room full of kids and a teacher isn't the best flirting setting. Anyway on that day I had commented that I am from Kenya and he didn't say anything which i thought was weird b/c when I tell people where i am from, i end up being bombarded with questions. So day #2-wednesday, some kid was drawing like the emblem of an american football team and the teacher commented that he wasn't that into football which led Martin to say me neither. This schocked me b/c at the time I assumed this is a white guy from the South and these Southern guys love their american football. And so suprised i said "really, why is that?", Martin- "I just didn't grow up with it", me-"oh, so where did u grow up?", Martin- "Germany", me-" wow thats cool, i didn't grow up with football either in kenya, i grew up with the other kind of football" which led to him stating that he wasn't really into either football and that he ran crosscrountry which I am going to do this year. So i guess we bonded on those similarities of being foreigners and runners, maybe more him than me. But that's normal for me since when it comes to guys, I am always the one who loves less. Anyway, I was supposed to leave early at 4:45 to go to crosscountry practice but I guess our conversation was going so well I decided to just be late. On our way out he asked me if I was working the next day and so I thought that was a big hint that he definitely liked me since if he didn't, why would he care. Today we ended up talking a lot more about our college plans, favorite subjects, our countries' weathers and seasons. His affinity for waking up early in the morning mine for sleeping in late. But overall I think our relations at this point has been characterized by this comfortable silence - b/c silence isn't necessarily a bad thing, to me it means u're comfortble enough wit a person that you don't have to say anything to each other to enjoy each other's presence- and a lot of SMILES at each other. But honestly as far as I am concerned he doesn't have the physical characteristics that i like-tall. Although, he does have these beautiful green ways that I just want to swim in. But character wise i think he might be what i am looking for-nice, caring, responsible etc.However, his humor is def. not on point, he may just be trying too hard at his own expense but at least he's trying. Tomorrow's friday, so the last day to volunteer this week and I am interested to see what happens, what I am wondering is- why doesn't he just ask for my #. But although on his 1st day he said he was only volunteering this week, he says he will be there next week-maybe his mind was changed by a special someone-idk? but anyway if he's going to set something up, he needs to hurry up and do it. on "send me that love" part 2 i will explain the title-its deeper than it seems and on the post after I will inform you on what happened.